How Come You Don't Publish "The Lightning Round" Anymore?

Answering the questions people have
asked (or I have asked myself) about
my past, present, or future.

For those of you new to this blog, "The Lightning Round" was my once-a-week news satire feature, where I would take a bunch of odd stories from around the world of the wires and riff on them. I recently went back through some of them and thought, "Wow, this was some cheeky stuff." (Which begs this question, do you know anybody who actually uses the word "cheeky?")

I discontinued the feature -- except for some occasional revivals -- in 2010, feeling I had gone as far as I wanted to go with it. I also thought Facebook and other sites were doing a better job of contributing to the virility of weird news. Still, I miss taking some parody punches every so often. I will be thinking about whether I want to revive some form of "The Lightning Round" in the new year, but it cannot occupy the time and effort it did during previous years, where it was taking more out of my schedule than I really thought it was worth.

Until I make up my mind, you can enjoy the past episodes here.

2010: The Year We Made More Wildly Speculative Predictions

What you are about to read was originally set to run in December 2009. I never finished the piece, and it rattled around in the bottom of my draft pile for five years. The Lightning Round is my now-discontinued weekly news satire, where I pulled my favorite eyebrow-raising stories of the past seven days and paired them with observations, jibes and mildly snide asides. After about a year, I discontinued the feature, feeling other people were doing it better and more timely. I offered a few special editions, including a year-end predictions list. Here's a look back at 2010 as I thought it might be. You can glean who was making headlines at the time, but amazingly, some of these predictions still hold freshness five years later.

* * *
The folks in your Lightning Round office, left with little to do on their continuing pencils-and-keyboards-down furlough begged and pleaded for a year-end scrap. Fortunately, CEO Eugene Thornhump IV, one of the few bigshots who didn't lose money to Bernard Madoff this year, was in a giving mood. So he allowed them to go back to work for this list of things that might happen when the calendar rolls over, provided somebody hasn't sold it to raise money for the Arizona State Treasury.

* The Transportation Security Administration, in a fit of overreaction, suddenly orders people to place both their shoes and their underwear into the x-ray machine. By summer, the TSA adopts a new trusted-flier rule where those wearing bikini briefs can bypass the security check. Al-Qaida sympathizers develop a bomb that can be mounted in the belly button.

* Arizona lawmakers, shocked to discover their beloved state is turning into California, develop new plan to close the $1 billion plus budget gap: auctioning off the state's mountains, saguaros, the Grand Canyon and Sheriff Joe Arpaio on eBay.

* Tucson City Leaders, unable to close their own budget gap, sell the Old Pueblo to the Chinese. Mayor Bob Walkup hails the deal as a landmark trade agreement.

* The NFL promises new initiatives to prevent concussions and changes its name to the National Flag-Football League.

* In spite of a stimulus plan, bank bailouts, automaker bailouts, shovel-ready projects, a jobs summit and a beer summit, America's economy improves from "absolutely stinky" to "heavily noxious." The Obama Administration launches a new economic plan consisting of secretly extorting loan guarantees from North Korea by producing a picture of Kim Jung Il with Sarah Palin.

* Still unable to close the budget deficit, Arizona revenue officials are ordered to fan out across the state and try "shaking people upside down, very, very hard."

* Brett Favre retires again only to un-retire again and change his sport to pro frisbee.

* Tiger Woods returns to golf after telling fans he's been "tamed" by a certain surgical procedure usually reserved for pets.

I Resolve To Make More Predictions

I originally made the following post in response to Tom Prezelski's tounge-in-cheek look at the year to come on TucsonSentinel.com. And this time, I will take full responsibility for these musings and not lay them onto the staff of The Lightning Round.

* In effort to dispel Tucson’s business-unfriendly image, Mayor Jonathan Rothschild proposes TCC be turned into Arizona’s largest indoor swap meet.

* Unable to come up with congressional and legislative districts to satisfy Arizona Republican demands that every last Democrat be wiped off the map, independent redistricting commitee throws up its hands and outsources work to Peggy from USA Prime Credit.

* Occupy movement, left with no place to occupy, moves into the Tucson Exposition Center. Barely anyone notices.

* Tucson Sports Authority flirts with idea of luring pro curling tournament to town. When that idea fails, it turns its attention to luring Linda Ronstadt back.

* Pirates take over whatever is playing on 92.9 FM, demanding Tucson get a “real” oldies station like the one that once occupied that frequency.

* Russell Pearce mentioned as possible new judge on “American Idol.”

* State GOP left scratching its collective noggins when Clap The Wonder Seal wins Arizona’s Presidential Preference Election.

* Massive haboob hits Tucson for a change. Phonecians laugh. Right-wingers complain about the use of the word “haboob” because it comes from that “durn terror-istic lang-gu-age.”

* Jim Click announces he’s entering the commercial space business. “Hi Folks! Now’s a better time than ever to go into orbit!”

* Monsoon downpour washes away grandstand at Rillito Downs and deposits it in Marana. Debate rages over whether it’s some sort of celestial suggestion.

* Southern Arizona’s state legislative contingent introduces bills regulating the way Phoenix holds elections, renews its downtown and educates its children. When Phoenix-area lawmakers complain, the local contingent presents a rousing rendition of Ugly Kid Joe’s “I Hate Everything About You” on the House floor.

* Fatburger, Humongoburger, Superburger, Wonderburger, Cardiacburger and three other fast-food chains move into town and are greeted with lines out the door from day one.

* As the Wildcat football team struggles to come around, Arizona fans demand the U of A appoint a man as coach who is guaranteed to finally get the team to the Rose Bowl: Lute Olsen.

Happy New Year!

What Really Happened During The Obama/Brewer Summit

Governor Jan Brewer got 30 minutes with President Obama yesterday. The official White House readout is here.

The "cordial" discussion didn't lead to any major breakthroughs. We do not have an authorized transcript for you. However, one of your Lightning Round staffers managed to overhear the conversation and slipped us the following account:

"Good afternoon, Madame Governor."

"Good afternoon, Mr. President."

"Bummer about the Suns."

"Well, you know, Kobe Bryant. But let's get down to business. You're sending 1,200 National Guard troops to the border. I really need more, like 5 or 6 thousand. And we could use some drones. And that border fence needs to get finished. We're taking bets at the Capitol on whether the Freedom Tower is going to get built before it's done."

"I'm spending $500 million for you, too. Don't forget that."

"How can I not? You guys know how to spend money. But I need more people, more boots guarding the line."

"To plug up the border, right? Sort of like a 'junk shot' thing?"

"Well, yeah. Come to think of it, maybe if we dumped all that oil along the border, it'd be too gooey for the illegals to get through."

"You'd have to ask BP about that."

"I'll put it on my agenda. Oh, and thank you for working me in around Paul McCartney."

"You're welcome. For the record, I just want to reiterate that the only real solution to this is immigration reform, and we're working on that."

"But not too hard, I see."

"Yeah, that health care bill was a serious you-know-what. I've only got enough in me for one fight a year. And it's an election year. Speaking of that, what's up with this lawsuit against health care reform?"

"I dunno. You tell me what's up with this lawsuit you're going to file against SB1070."

"Touche. But I can't really talk about that, since it's all up to Justice."

"It's nice that you got people to do that for you. My guy Goddard won't sue for anything anymore."

"Have you tried some friendly persuasion?"

"Like what?"

"Oh, maybe a better job offer. Look, I know some people--"

"Er, Mr. President, I'm good."

"Fine then. You thirsty?"

"Are we having beers?"

"Anything you want, Madame Governor. I had the guys bring in a case of Sonoran 100."

"Thanks, but I'll stick to the water for now. I want to be clear on this last point. We wouldn't be in this mess if the Federal Government had been living up to its responsibilities to secure the border. I have police and sheriff's departments who are having to deal with drug and crime problems because the immigrants keep on getting through."

"I understand your concerns, Madame Governor. But as you know, asking the feds to do something is like asking Heinz to make fast-flow ketchup. Government moves at the speed it does because we can't move any faster. Why do you think health care took so long?"

"I figured as much."

"Look, I got another appointment, but I thank you for your time."

"Golf?"

"Nah, something else. But I want you to know that we ought to be working together on this."

"I'll certainly try, Mr. President. And I invite you to come to Arizona one of these days and see the border for yourself. You're not boycotting us yet, are you?"

"No. Michelle loves the spas. Oh and one more thing."

"Yes?"

"What's the deal with your hair?"

"This? Oh, I thought I'd try that Rose Mofford thing."

"Just don't try that Sarah Palin thing."

"You betcha."

Personal Space

The evolutionary trend that brought us personal radios, then mobile phones, then computers now extends into orbit. For at least $8,000, Interorbital Systems now gives you the chance to launch a TubeSat -- your own personal satellite -- with communications strong enough to be picked up on the ground using a typical ham radio.

One suggested application is a private ham radio repeater in space. But their website offers many more possibilities:

▼ Earth-from-space video imaging
▼ Earth magnetic field measurement
▼ Satellite orientation detection (horizon sensor, gyros, accelerometers, etc.)
▼ Orbital environment measurements (temperature, pressure, radiation, etc.)
▼ On-orbit hardware and software component testing (microprocessors, etc.)
▼ Tracking migratory animals from orbit
▼ Testing satellite stabilization methods
▼ Biological experiments
▼ On-orbit advertising
▼ Private e-mail

Sorry, nothing on the list mentioning exes or in-laws. Besides, any devious deed you could do would be short term. Each TubeSat only lasts a few weeks before the orbit of its carrier vehicle decays to the point where it burns up in the atmosphere, hopefully leaving no (additional) space junk. You gotta admit though, it would be a creative way of jettisoning some things we'd all like to forget.

Well, the folks at your Lightning Round (yes they're still around -- if the Tucson Citizen can survive in some form, so can they) took an office poll and came up with these suggestions for terminal launch, things we'd like to remove from Earth, never to return:

• Any proposal to build another baseball training facility in Tucson. That "build it and they will come" philosophy works only in the movies.


• All those rumors about President Obama's birth certificate.


• High heels longer than two inches. Ladies, I know for you they look beautiful. For me they look painful. Remember in Romancing the Stone when Michael Douglas' character chopped down a pair of stilettos? "Those were Italian!" "Now they're practical."


• Microsoft Windows Vista


• Airline fees for: baggage, extra baggage, overweight baggage, overweight passengers, fuel and so forth. Just admit you're hurting for cash, already.


• Any stock derivative that needs a Ph.D. to understand


• Subprime loans


• Payday loans


• That 25 bucks Leroy in the Marketing department claims I still owe him


• Piercing of anything besides ear lobes


• Fat. Need we elaborate?


• The Bachelor. Calm down. We mean the show, not the person.


• Methamphetamines. Wait a minute -- we want the satellite to fall, not go higher.

You've Got That Glow

Research now validates what was once a mere compliment... or a pickup line.

LiveScience reports:

Past research has shown that the body emits visible light, 1,000 times less intense than the levels to which our naked eyes are sensitive. In fact, virtually all living creatures emit very weak light, which is thought to be a byproduct of biochemical reactions involving free radicals.

And if you don't exactly light up somebody's life, the study explains why...

The researchers found the body glow rose and fell over the day, with its lowest point at 10 a.m. and its peak at 4 p.m., dropping gradually after that. These findings suggest there is light emission linked to our body clocks, most likely due to how our metabolic rhythms fluctuate over the course of the day.

Of course, being a light involves more than our metabolism, as 1 John 5-7 (NIV) explains:

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

Be Bright, my friends...

And You Thought The President Was Tough On GM's Boss

A poll finds nearly half of all French approve of locking up the head honchos as a way of extracting better working conditions.

From Reuters:

Staff at French plants run by Sony, 3M and Caterpillar have held managers inside the factories overnight, in three separate incidents, to demand better layoff terms -- a new form of labor action dubbed "bossnapping" by the media.

A poll by the CSA institute for Le Parisien newspaper found 50 percent of French people surveyed disapproved of such acts, but 45 percent thought they were acceptable.

"They are not in the majority ... but 45 percent is an enormous percentage and it demonstrates the extent of exasperation among the public at this time of economic crisis," Le Parisien said.

Can you imagine this happening at the American car companies? Or in your own office?

Of course, my favorite "job action" would be this, based on a political cartoon I once read: "Mr. Boss, here's your $2 million bonus presented by the 5,000 employees you just laid off."

If you think that's cruel and unusual punishment, remember long ago in France, when they used to use the guillotine.

There Will Be Blood Suckers

We always knew Microsoft had bug issues, but now they've spread beyond its software, according to the Daily Mail:

Bill Gates, the billionaire founder of Microsoft and a renowned philanthropist, let loose a swarm of mosquitoes at a technology conference in California to highlight the dangers of malaria.

‘Malaria is spread by mosquitoes,’ the Microsoft founder yelled at a well-heeled crowd at a technology conference in California.

’I brought some,’ he added. ‘Here, I’ll let them roam around – there is no reason only poor people should be infected.’

Fortunately, none of the 'skeeters carried malaria -- or bubonic plague, for that matter.

If they did, Gates is offering a free download next Tuesday to fix the problem. However, all infected people must make sure their settings are properly enabled to recieve this critical update.

Our Absolutely Speculative & Facetious 2009 Predictions

Because we're tired of watching bowl games, because there's little news going on this time of year besides the first-baby and first-homicide stories, because we're bored, and because everybody else is doing it, here's our no-money-back guarantee list of things that will happen in the new year... or should.

* WWE Smackdown stages a show at the U.S. Senate, as Democrats try to block Roland Burris from taking a seat and Republicans fight to keep Al Franken from taking another one. Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich arrives with a folding chair. Caroline Kennedy sneaks in the back door.

* Pay-per-view sales from the above fracas cover the Wall Street bailout.

* President Barack Obama (enough use of this "-elect" already) releases his master plan for turning around the economy, which includes forcing Ford, GM, and Chrysler to bring back the "shag van." Banks are forced to demand the first born of each household as mortgage collateral. David Lee Roth is forced to rejoin Van Halen.

* In case his recovery package fails, President Obama readies a super-secret contingency plan to declare himself eligible for the NBA draft. Yes, he can.

* Both UPI and Amy Winehouse will amazingly survive another year.

* Cash-strapped University of Arizona decides to sell naming rights. Effective May 1st, the campus officially becomes "Jim Click University."

* The download-battered recorded music industry will demand a bailout. Congress will refuse, citing the irreversible damage imposed by Jessica Simpson and New Kids On The Block.

* Former head coach Lute Olson un-retires at the end of the Wildcat basketball season, citing the need to protect Arizona hoops from being overshadowed by Mike Stoops' boys.

* Wildcat football fans demand Stoops' ouster after he fails to get the team to the Rose Bowl. Dick Tomey phones in consolation: "Told ya so!"

* Wall Street money managers invent a new derivative investment tied to the number of times Sen. Caroline Kennedy utters the words "you know" during a floor speech.

* Al-Qaida decides it's in the wrong business to achieve goals of world domination -- opens up chain of payday loan stores.

* Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will travel to Iraq with a security detail of 50 armed guards, two tanks, 10 sharpshooters, air support and Bill on a leash.

* Saran Palin retires from the Alaska governor's office and opens up Saraburger fast-food restaurant chain featuring the Ultimate Mooseburger. "Tasty? You betcha!"

* Former VP Dick Cheney somehow resurrects Enron.

* Plans for the George W. Bush Presidential Library call for a site in Crawford, Texas next to the Beer Barn.

Yo, Laddie, Ye Mother Wears A Wee Kilt!

A University of New Mexico professor claims the Scots invented rap, according to the London Telegraph:

Professor Ferenc Szasz argued that so-called rap battles, where two or more performers trade elaborate insults, derive from the ancient Caledonian art of "flyting".

According to the theory, Scottish slave owners took the tradition with them to the United States, where it was adopted and developed by slaves, emerging many years later as rap.

Professor Szasz is convinced there is a clear link between this tradition for settling scores in Scotland and rap battles, which were famously portrayed in Eminem's 2002 movie 8 Mile.

He said: "The Scots have a lengthy tradition of flyting - intense verbal jousting, often laced with vulgarity, that is similar to the dozens that one finds among contemporary inner-city African-American youth."

Imagine with me now a group of thirtysomething men standing around in a 1500's Edinburgh tavern dropping rhymes, one of them blowing through a pair of hands cupped to his mouth, providing the rhythm.

No, I can't, either.

Kiss Of Deaf

The London Daily Mail reports the strange case of a Chinese girl who lost her hearing after an extremely passionate kiss from her boyfriend:

'The kiss reduced pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear,' a medic called Dr Li told state newspaper The China Daily.

Doctors tell your Lightning Round staff that the lady's hearing shall return in a few months. They would've tried blowing back into her mouth to undo the damage, but they were afraid her eyes would pop out.

As for the boyfriend, he's now finding work as a Dirt Devil.

Girly Men

As we first told you on The Lightning Round, the one who manipulates the hormones will be the one who rules the world. Now it's happening. Don't blame Dr. Evil; blame chemical exposure.

As the Independent reports:

The research – to be detailed tomorrow in the most comprehensive report yet published – shows that a host of common chemicals is feminizing males of every class of vertebrate animals, from fish to mammals, including people.

Many have been identified as "endocrine disrupters" – or gender-benders – because they interfere with hormones. These include phthalates, used in food wrapping, cosmetics and baby powders among other applications; flame retardants in furniture and electrical goods; PCBs, a now banned group of substances still widespread in food and the environment; and many pesticides.

The article lists a number of studies pointing to animals either changing their gender or seeing their maleness evaporate. Humans are not immune:

And a study at Rotterdam's Erasmus University showed that boys whose mothers had been exposed to PCBs grew up wanting to play with dolls and tea sets rather than with traditionally male toys.

Communities heavily polluted with gender-benders in Canada, Russia and Italy have given birth to twice as many girls than boys, which may offer a clue to the reason for a mysterious shift in sex ratios worldwide. Normally 106 boys are born for every 100 girls, but the ratio is slipping. It is calculated that 250,000 babies who would have been boys have been born as girls instead in the US and Japan alone.

Already the business world is starting to cater to the new breed of male. E-mancipate sells pantyhose for men.

We need a new bumper sticker: "Save The Males!"

Our Absolutely Unqualified, Highly Conditional Election Predictions

Nobody shells out money for us to be pundits, so you get what you pay for. In that spirit, here's your no-risk, no-guarantee, absolutely bipartisan nonpartisan gaze into the crystal ball from our staff and the two guys hanging out by the Dr. Pepper machine.

* If Barack Obama wins, expect disillusioned GOP'ers to talk about moving to Canada. Sarah Palin becomes the party's Bette Malone.

* If John McCain wins, expect disillusioned Democrats to talk about moving to Canada -- and actually do it this time until they remember quitters never win.

* If Obama wins, people will wake up Wednesday morning swearing the sun is brighter, the grass is greener, and the earth's magnetic field is more harmonious.

* If McCain wins, people will wake up Wednesday morning and many mornings after saying, "is Johnny Mac feeling alright?"

* If Obama wins, southern Arizona Congressman Raul Grijalva will go into work each morning with fresh self-confidence, now that the bills he authors actually have a shot at making it into law.

* If McCain wins, Arizona's Democratic delegation will be saying once again: "Bipartisanship. Ick."

* If Obama wins, Republicans will exploit rumors of election fraud.

* If McCain wins, Democrats will exploit rumors of election fraud.

* If Obama wins, Sen. Hillary Clinton will begin forming exploratory committees for 2016.

* If McCain wins, Obama will be getting a 3am phone call from Sen. Clinton. Several of them, in fact. Federal law prevents us from wiretapping, but we imagine the conversation will include the words, "Shoulda picked me, you lout!"

* If Obama wins, Big Oil will start hiding profits in the Cayman Islands to avoid a potential windfall tax.

* If McCain wins, Big Oil will hide money in Sarah Palin's closet.

* If Democrats achieve a 60-seat filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, expect Nancy Pelosi to sing "Nanny-Nanny Boo Boo."

* If Alaska Republican Ted Stevens holds onto his seat, expect pundits to speculate about brain freeze.

* If Al Franken wins in Minnesota, expect nobody to be surprised anymore in the state that elected Jesse Ventura as governor.

* If Obama makes it to the White House, expect Dick Cheney's man-sized document safes to disappear. Mysteriously.

* If McCain takes over the Oval Office, expect portable defibrillators to be installed in every hallway.

* If Sen. Joe Biden wins the number-two office, Secret Service chemists will develop a special "gaffe-away" spray.

* If Gov. Sarah Palin is the victor, Tina Fey will work undercover as a body double.

* If Barack Obama wins, Rush Limbaugh will gripe for the next 8 years about the nation's liberal tilt while secretly thanking the senator for giving him job security.

* If John McCain wins, El Rushbo will chortle about liberals being on suicide watch.

* If Obama wins, Hollywood leftists will say, "Okay, now what?"

* If McCain wins, they'll say, "Well, Obama was too hype for the job, anyway."

That's it. Now go vote and prove us wrong.

GOP Memo To Gov. Sarah Palin

EXCLUSIVE: The Lightning Round has obtained this highly confidential, super-secret hush-hush memo sent from the Republican National Committee to Gov. Sarah Palin on the eve of her big debate with Sen. Joe Biden. (Don't ask me how we got it. I quizzed Leopold Grumley, our ace investigative reporter, and he mumbled incoherently about some guy he met at the Red Planet Diner in Sedona.)

Dear Governor Palin,

We shall skip all boilerplate greetings and offer our best wishes for Thursday night's debate in the form of a simple commandment: Please don't muff this up.

As you are well aware, you were not the first choice of Senator John McCain. He first proposed his old friend Joe Lieberman. When we finished catching our breaths and our sides ceased aching, we counter-proposed Mitt Romney. Sen. McCain told us he would rather French-kiss a javalina, yet he graciously took the offer under consideration. A few weeks later, he announced his decision to us merely as a courtesy. One of us swears his middle finger was raised.

We have gone to great lengths to support you, Governor, as your sheen has worn off. We have tried to insulate you from the liberal media culture as best we can. We thought Katie Couric's spiraling career path would outweigh any answer you could give her, but unfortunately, we assumed wrong. While our polling data suggests a great many good Americans don't give a flip about your knowledge of the Supreme Court or choice of reading material, a significant number indicate you could easily be replaced by Tina Fey's caricature and nobody would know the difference.

At this moment, we are making a pre-emptive strike by tagging Gwen Ifill as a liberal to give us a convenient post-debate talking point. Our efforts shall be fruitless, however, if you answer a question on the readiness of Iraq to defend itself with the words "have to get back to ya on that one, sweetie!"

The stakes could not be higher. In fact, we've started our own office pool and the line is currently Biden by 8. Costing us money is not an option in these economic times. We kindly ask you to take all necessary measures to sharpen your intellect. Pharmacological solutions will not be frowned upon. We point to the example of that great American W.C. Fields, who did some his finest work while soused.

Your words Thursday night shall make a lasting impact upon the nation. To this end, we close with the inspiring words of Judge Judy Sheindlin: "Beauty fades. Dumb is forever."

Sincerely,
The Republican National Committee

Let 'Em Drink Kool-Aid!

If you have any doubts PETA cares about animals to the detriment of humans -- including newborns -- let me erase them now.

PETA is urging Ben And Jerry's to use human breast milk instead of cow's milk in their ice cream. I kid you not.

As WNBC-TV reports:

"The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn't make sense," says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. "Everyone knows that 'the breast is best,' so Ben & Jerry's could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk."

I love B&J's short and sensible reply:

In a statement Ben and Jerry's said, "We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child."

Spin Doctoring

Canadian mathematics and computer science professor David Skillicorn has developed software to analyze politicians' word usage and facial expressions. It can tell when a candidate is taking liberties with the truth, and how much.

He put it to the test in the presidential race, as New Scientist reports:

Each of the candidates had made speeches containing very high and very low levels of spin, according to Skillicorn's program, depending on the occasion. In general though, Obama's speeches contain considerably higher spin than either McCain or Clinton. For example, for their speeches accepting their party's nomination for president, Obama's speech scored a spin value of 6.7 - where 0 is the average level of spin within all the political speeches analysed, and positive values represent higher spin. In contrast, McCain's speech scored -7.58, while Hillary Clinton's speech at the Democratic National Convention scored 0.15. Skillicorn also found that Sarah Palin's speeches contain slightly more spin than average.

So the analysis appears to back up McCain's claim that he is a "straight talker". However, for the purposes of political speech-making this may not be an entirely good thing for him. "Obama uses spin in his speeches very well," says Skillicorn. For example, Obama's spin level skyrockets when facing problems in the press, such as when Jeremiah Wright, the reverend of his former church, made controversial comments to the press.

So once again, that street proverb comes into play: "It ain't what you got, it's how you use it." Or maybe, "Don't hate the player, hate the game."

Not Cute Communist Enough For Prime Time

That beautiful little Chinese girl who sang "Ode To The Motherland" during the Olympic Opening Ceremonies wasn't singing at all. She was mouthing it. Apparently the original young singer wasn't pretty enough for the ChiComs, according to AFP:

[Music Designer Chen Qigang] said the final decision to stage the event with Lin lip-synching to another girl's voice was taken after a senior member of China's ruling Communist Party politburo attended a rehearsal.

"He told us there was a problem that we needed to fix it, so we did," he said, without disclosing further details of the order.

And how much you want to bet they ordered red for the color of Lin Miaoke's dress? Did she also get coaching from Milli Vanilli? I hope Miaoke's too young to understand how she became a human propaganda poster.

People who use children as political tools chap my hide, as they say here in the west. On one hand, we have a dazzling, colorful, beautiful ceremony which also happens to be a very carefully-engineered publicity piece designed to divert our bewildered eyes away from China's various human-rights abuses and that little incident in the Square nearly two decades ago.

Film critic Roger Ebert noted on his blog:

The closest sight I have seen to Friday night's spectacle, and I mean this objectively, not with disrespect, is the sight of all those Germans marching wave upon wave before Hitler in "Triumph of the Will."

"Triumph of the Will" portrayed the Nazis in a sympathetic light. The Beijing opening ceremonies tries to make us think maybe Communism isn't all that bad... and that's not good.

As for the girl who really sang, the London Telegraph reports:

Yang Peiyi is said to have reacted well to the disappointment. "I am proud to have been chosen to sing at all," she is reported to have said.

Perhaps the ChiComs chose those words for her, too.

Back For More

The last edition was a warning.

They crawled into the newsroom, waves of agonized staffers unable to cope with the layoffs, the downsizing, the outsourcing, the gas prices, the mortgage payments, the campaigns, the Iranians, the Chinese, and the current season of "So You Think You Can Dance?"

They slithered up to the editor's desk, each raising a stapler in their right hands and pledging allegiance to the noble cause of smart-aleck journalism, whatever cause that might be, vowing to get back to work taking low-cost pot shots at anything rolling off the teletype. Of course, they forgot we ditched the teletype about the same time people started asking, "What's a Macintosh?"

"You don't understand," I tell the aggrieved masses. "We don't have a budget anymore."

It doesn't matter. The cause is important enough to warrant its own version of Skunk Works. So we shall carry on, laboring when we can, striking while the inspiration is hot. As for a paycheck, Larry's Sub Shop is hiring down the street.

GO DEPORT YOURSELF! The INS has got a deal for illegal immigrants: turn yourself in during most of August, and avoid arrest and detention. As always, you have to read the fine print, as the Arizona Daily Star explains:

The program doesn't offer any monetary compensation or a path to legalization.

"The benefit is not being detained and being allowed to make arrangements for their families and themselves to join them or to schedule their departure," [ICE official Jim] Hayes said. "But there is very little chance with an individual who has a final order of removal, that they are going to be eligible for any other type of benefit."

With a lack of discernible benefits other than a clear conscience and a shame-free return, your Lightning Round wonders if illegals will opt instead for the government's repatriation program, which includes a free flight back to Mexico.

(No, wingnuts, you can't self-deport Isabel Garcia. Please get real.)

AND YOU THOUGHT MORRIS WAS BIG. "Princess Chunk" is turning into the new poster-cat for the foreclosure crisis. The story of the 44-pound cat has bubbled up from the kicker block to the first segment now that its owner has come forward, saying she abandoned the cat because she was losing her home.

The obvious question: Was the cat eating her out of house and home? Even Garfield had to go on a few diets.

We don't know, but now the cat will surely get a new home in light of all the television exposure... and possibly a lap-band.

BIPARTISANSHIP George H.W. Bush accused future President Clinton of trying to be on both sides of an issue. Might he say the same about California Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger, who's backing John McCain but praising Barack Obama?

As the AP reported:

"I would take his (Obama's) call now, I will take his call when he's president—any time. Remember, no matter who is president, I don't see this as a political thing. I see this as we always have to help, no matter what the administration is," he said.

Even if that call came at 3am?

GOING, GOING... It's looking less and less likely that Sen. Hillary Clinton will be Obama's running mate, killing any hope of a dream ticket. She'll have to settle for a convention speech, according to a message from Hillary backers disclosed by the Boston Globe:

"We hope you are as pleased as we are that he has tapped Senator Clinton to deliver one of the most important messages of that crucial week—the very role that Barack Obama had four years ago," the message says. "Regretfully, this means that Senator Hillary Clinton is no longer under consideration as Senator Obama’s running mate."

Pleased, maybe, but still grumbling under their teeth and driving a bus with Bill's name on it. We'll let you figure out where they're going with it.

SEX, LIES, AND THE OLYMPIC SPIRIT. The Fellowship of the Interlocking Rings will be checking the gender of athletes at the Beijing games using lab tests, because looks aren't enough.

From The Guardian:

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) introduced sex testing in 1968 at the Olympic games in Mexico City, after the masculine appearance of some competitors, many pumped up by anabolic steroids, had started to raise questions about the gender of athletes in female events. Unsurprisingly, gender-determination tests were seen as degrading, with female competitors having to submit to humiliating and invasive physical examinations by a series of doctors. Later, the IOC decided to use a supposedly more sophisticated genetic test, based on chromosomes. Women usually have two X chromosomes; men an X and a Y chromosome. So, according to the rules of the test, only those athletes with two X chromosomes could be classed as women. However, many geneticists criticized the tests, saying that sex is not as simple as X and Y chromosomes and is not always simple to ascertain.

And in the age of the "meterosexual," that's the understatement of the year.

Conduct yourselves as ladies and gentlemen, dearest readers, until we return... whenever that may be.

Where Did All The Money Go?

All right, we get it: the economy stinks. But beyond that simple truth lies a mystery that has us scratching our heads, if not our wallets, wondering how dollars and cents can simply vaporize.

THE OLD GREY LADY, SHE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE. The New York Times Company's second-quarter earnings are down 82 percent compared to the same quarter last year. The company blames the usual suspects: bad economy, shrinking advertising. However, we get this curious quote from the AP:

Chief Executive Janet Robinson says business was hurt by the "U.S. economic slowdown and secular forces playing out across the media industry."

Does she mean news people aren't saying their prayers?

HANGOVER. President Bush has an explanation for the sour economy: "Wall Street got drunk." According to The Hill, that's what he told people at a closed-door fundraiser last week.

He elaborates, in true Bushian:

"There's no question about it," Bush said. "Wall Street got drunk, that's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras. It got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up and not try to do all these fancy financial instruments."

Fancy Financial Instruments? Gee, maybe we should go back to the abacus.

See it for yourself:



MAKING MONEY THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY. An Orlando Wachovia Bank gave counterfeit money to one of its customers, who found out about the funny money when another bank wouldn't take it.

As WKMG-TV reports:

A Wachovia representative said it will not refund any money because it can't verify the $1,000 in counterfeit notes were the same bills [Ulises] Garcia was handed by their teller.

But weeks later, Wachovia did refund $40 to another customer with a similar story, Local 6 has learned.

Garcia is now going to the feds, who wonder if it was an inside job.

With Wachovia losing billions, you figure somebody might've gotten desperate.

DROP THAT CHANGE! Desperation will lead to criminal activity, as police in Naples, Florida cuffed a man accused of stealing 42 cents from a fountain.

As the Naples Daily News reports:

It is not unusual for police officers to arrest people who steal small items from local retail stores, [Police Capt. John] Adams said. Police officers have arrested people for stealing change from fountains before, Adams said.

“He shouldn’t be taking change out of the mall fountain,” Adams said. “It’s not found money. It’s money that’s destined for charity.”

Your Lightning Round wonders how much it will cost to prosecute this case versus simply asking the accused offender to put the money back. A good guess: it's a heckuvalot more than 42 cents.

THE $42 MILLION VIEW. At least Candy Spelling still has money, according to the L.A. Times, describing the hefty going rate for her new condo in Century City. But wait, she's actually downsizing:

After all, the 62-year-old heiress with a reputation for embracing opulence will be moving out of Los Angeles County's largest home -- a 123-room, 56,500-square-foot mansion on six acres in the Holmby Hills neighborhood off Sunset Boulevard.

Her new home will be less than a third the size of the old one -- just 16,500 square feet -- but with a killer 360-degree view spanning the horizon from downtown Los Angeles to Santa Catalina Island.

That's sort of like the government adding only $40 billion to the deficit instead of $80 billion and calling it savings.

Don't take any wooden nickels. We'll see you again when we have time... and money.

We're Shocked, Shocked

SPECIAL REPORT

You know full well things have been pretty sleepy around LR's world headquarters. The official claim is high gas prices and its inhibiting factors on the commute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We caught the layout editors sitting by the Rillito River the other day, waiting for that first big wave of monsoon water to wash downstream. We're hearing bets on whether it will contain dead trees, an SUV or a certain Tucson political figure, but that beat's for our gossip columnist -- if he'll ever get off the phone.

Otherwise, we recently came across these items in regards to your personal security... or lack of it.

FASTEN YOUR BELTS BEFORE FLIGHT. The Department of Homeland Security may be looking into a shock bracelet for airplane passengers. According to the Washington Times...

The Electronic ID Bracelet, as it’s referred to as, would be worn by every traveler “until they disembark the flight at their destination.” Yes, you read that correctly. Every airline passenger would be tracked by a government-funded GPS, containing personal, private and confidential information, and that it would shock the customer worse than an electronic dog collar if he/she got out of line?

Your Lightning Round editor already hears frustrated passengers begging to bracelet the guy in the seat behind them. And I'd be careful about asking for the whole can of soda, too.

I'LL COME QUIETLY OFFICER, BUT COULD YOU TELL THIS GUY IN MY HEAD TO SHUT UP? A new ray gun in development is supposed to make you think people are talking to you inside your head -- handy for riot neutralization.

From Gizmodo.com:

Short for Mob Excess Deterrent Using Silent Audio, MEDUSA creates the audio effect with short microwave pulses. The pulses create a shockwave inside the skull that's detected by the ears, and basically makes you think you're going [bleep!] insane. The MEDUSA can also "produce recognizable sounds" and is aimed primarily at military uses, but New Scientist revealed there are other uses in the works, too.

Gizmodo worries about possible abuses including subliminal advertising. Your Lightning Round also worries about what happens when you take a group of crazy people and just make them crazier.

ZAPPING THE OPPOSITION. A court fight is underway in Denver, where the ACLU wants to know more about hush-hush high-tech weapons planned for demonstrators who don't behave during the Democratic National Convention. CNN and The Raw Story learned about a couple of them:

Weapons such as the sonic ray gun, which emits a head-splitting frequency and deafens large groups of people. Also rumored for the conventions is the goo gun -- which shoots a gel that can coat and wrap people whole, or stop a moving vehicle in its path -- and a microwave pulse emitter -- a radio frequency device that makes one's skin feel it is on fire, previously deployed in the streets of Baghdad, Iraq.

The goo gun sounds intriguing to us. What does one do after getting "slimed?" (Somebody brought up that scene in Fantastic Voyage where sticky green antibodies wrap themselves around Raquel Welch's top-heavy figure.) We gather it won't be as easy as hosing somebody down. Maybe somebody at Nickelodeon can help; they've dealt with slimy kids for years now.

AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS... Sid and Marty Krofft may have come up with an effective crowd-control ray gun.