GOP Memo To Gov. Sarah Palin

EXCLUSIVE: The Lightning Round has obtained this highly confidential, super-secret hush-hush memo sent from the Republican National Committee to Gov. Sarah Palin on the eve of her big debate with Sen. Joe Biden. (Don't ask me how we got it. I quizzed Leopold Grumley, our ace investigative reporter, and he mumbled incoherently about some guy he met at the Red Planet Diner in Sedona.)

Dear Governor Palin,

We shall skip all boilerplate greetings and offer our best wishes for Thursday night's debate in the form of a simple commandment: Please don't muff this up.

As you are well aware, you were not the first choice of Senator John McCain. He first proposed his old friend Joe Lieberman. When we finished catching our breaths and our sides ceased aching, we counter-proposed Mitt Romney. Sen. McCain told us he would rather French-kiss a javalina, yet he graciously took the offer under consideration. A few weeks later, he announced his decision to us merely as a courtesy. One of us swears his middle finger was raised.

We have gone to great lengths to support you, Governor, as your sheen has worn off. We have tried to insulate you from the liberal media culture as best we can. We thought Katie Couric's spiraling career path would outweigh any answer you could give her, but unfortunately, we assumed wrong. While our polling data suggests a great many good Americans don't give a flip about your knowledge of the Supreme Court or choice of reading material, a significant number indicate you could easily be replaced by Tina Fey's caricature and nobody would know the difference.

At this moment, we are making a pre-emptive strike by tagging Gwen Ifill as a liberal to give us a convenient post-debate talking point. Our efforts shall be fruitless, however, if you answer a question on the readiness of Iraq to defend itself with the words "have to get back to ya on that one, sweetie!"

The stakes could not be higher. In fact, we've started our own office pool and the line is currently Biden by 8. Costing us money is not an option in these economic times. We kindly ask you to take all necessary measures to sharpen your intellect. Pharmacological solutions will not be frowned upon. We point to the example of that great American W.C. Fields, who did some his finest work while soused.

Your words Thursday night shall make a lasting impact upon the nation. To this end, we close with the inspiring words of Judge Judy Sheindlin: "Beauty fades. Dumb is forever."

Sincerely,
The Republican National Committee