Our Absolutely Speculative & Facetious 2009 Predictions

Because we're tired of watching bowl games, because there's little news going on this time of year besides the first-baby and first-homicide stories, because we're bored, and because everybody else is doing it, here's our no-money-back guarantee list of things that will happen in the new year... or should.

* WWE Smackdown stages a show at the U.S. Senate, as Democrats try to block Roland Burris from taking a seat and Republicans fight to keep Al Franken from taking another one. Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich arrives with a folding chair. Caroline Kennedy sneaks in the back door.

* Pay-per-view sales from the above fracas cover the Wall Street bailout.

* President Barack Obama (enough use of this "-elect" already) releases his master plan for turning around the economy, which includes forcing Ford, GM, and Chrysler to bring back the "shag van." Banks are forced to demand the first born of each household as mortgage collateral. David Lee Roth is forced to rejoin Van Halen.

* In case his recovery package fails, President Obama readies a super-secret contingency plan to declare himself eligible for the NBA draft. Yes, he can.

* Both UPI and Amy Winehouse will amazingly survive another year.

* Cash-strapped University of Arizona decides to sell naming rights. Effective May 1st, the campus officially becomes "Jim Click University."

* The download-battered recorded music industry will demand a bailout. Congress will refuse, citing the irreversible damage imposed by Jessica Simpson and New Kids On The Block.

* Former head coach Lute Olson un-retires at the end of the Wildcat basketball season, citing the need to protect Arizona hoops from being overshadowed by Mike Stoops' boys.

* Wildcat football fans demand Stoops' ouster after he fails to get the team to the Rose Bowl. Dick Tomey phones in consolation: "Told ya so!"

* Wall Street money managers invent a new derivative investment tied to the number of times Sen. Caroline Kennedy utters the words "you know" during a floor speech.

* Al-Qaida decides it's in the wrong business to achieve goals of world domination -- opens up chain of payday loan stores.

* Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will travel to Iraq with a security detail of 50 armed guards, two tanks, 10 sharpshooters, air support and Bill on a leash.

* Saran Palin retires from the Alaska governor's office and opens up Saraburger fast-food restaurant chain featuring the Ultimate Mooseburger. "Tasty? You betcha!"

* Former VP Dick Cheney somehow resurrects Enron.

* Plans for the George W. Bush Presidential Library call for a site in Crawford, Texas next to the Beer Barn.