Francis The Quaker?

Unsure of your place in the spiritual world? Beliefnet offers the handy-dandy Belief-O-Matic, a 20-question test that matches your personal religious beliefs with the faith that best fits.

Here's my top six best spiritual matches, according to Belief-O-Matic:

1. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (85%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (81%)
4. Bahi'i Faith (71%)
5. Orthodox Quaker (68%)
6. Reform Judaism (66%)

Fascinating results. I am a confessed, confirmed Presbyterian, a denomination with a fairly liberal outlook. The 85% Quaker match intrigues me, and that indeed might be a better fit -- except for their opposition to war.

Thanks to Berin Kinsman for the tip.

Newsfakers -- VNR Edition

The Federal Communications Commission is now asking dozens of TV stations how they used Video News Releases (VNR's) in their newscasts. These are free packaged reports already written, edited, and ready to air as if a reporter had done them. Many of them deal with health and consumer issues. Some are lifestyle features. But all of them are usually produced by a PR firm on behalf of a major corporation shilling a product.

Most stations never run them straight. Some "re-track" them, substituting the local anchor's voice or a reporter's voice for the canned announcer, perhaps rewriting some of the copy to sound less commercial.

Oodles of these handouts are on the news feeds every day. But before you accuse TV stations of selling out to corporate America, you need to understand the two main uses of VNR's:

Stock footage. Many stations chuck the promotional copy with a VNR and just save the footage if it can be used another time. A VNR on a stop-smoking pill may contain footage of people smoking in public or cigarettes being made -- something that may be handy for smoking stories in the future. Every VNR I've seen says, "this footage is for your free and unrestricted use." VNR footage is especially handy for medical stories where it's hard to get surgery video or shots of a particular drug.

Filling time. This is where VNR's get abused. Producers in small markets with more news time than resources to fill it will plug in one of these pre-packaged pieces. Morning shows are especially vulnerable since staffers are trying to fill at least 90 minutes of air time every day. CNN and the networks' feed services do a very good job of offering a lot of non-VNR material to producers, but VNR's often make it onto the air simply because no "other news" is out there. Desperation to make a deadline and fill dead air will drive you to do it.

One important point: stations are not paid to air VNR's. Nobody's pressuring them to air them. I get e-mail every day from groups hawking free footage or guest interview opportunties (mainly from book authors or partisan talking heads), all of which I politely ignore. Producers aren't on a mission to mislead the public or boost a company's stock.

Ninety-five percent of VNR's never make air on KOLD News 13. We a regularly use video releases from the Journal Of The American Medical Association (JAMA), but I put these in a different league than most VNR's because they're put out by a respected, credible organziation that's not out to sell something. However, when we use JAMA material, we don't use the pre-narrated packages they send out. We'll strip some video, harvest some bites, rewrite the copy, check the facts, and do it our way.

I have never run a straight VNR on my newscasts. I have used VNR footage in the past to compliment facts and reporting we've done on our own, but I can count on one hand the number of stories that relied on VNR footage in 12 years of producing. Most of the VNR's on the wires aren't worth airtime in the first place, and with so much going on in Tucson and the world they don't put a blip on my radar.

If the FCC wants to investigate how VNR's are making it into newscasts, they also need to investigate the staffing situations of the stations airing them and the experience of the people putting them on the air. Seasoned producers don't need no stinkin' VNR's. Newbies may need help learning how to avoid them.

Reel To Reel: World Trade Center

Hope survives.

How It Rates: ****
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Michael Pena, Maria Bello
Rated: PG-13
Red Flags: Graphic Emotional Content (bring your Kleenex)

The opening scenes of World Trade Center depict pre-9/11 New York City like the post-9/11 metropolis I visited earlier this year -- a tall, proud, dedicated community in motion. As the five boroughs wake up, you are immersed in the glow of a great place unaware of the tragedy about to hit. When it does, you feel the despair, the hopelessness, the anger, the incredible sadness and the disbelief. But you are not robbed of hope. That is the core of Oliver Stone's latest film, which stands as a tribute to the police and firefighters of New York City.

The film recounts the true stories of John McLoughlin (Cage) and Will Jimeno (Pena), two Port Authority policemen sent in to evacuate the World Trade Center when the twin towers collapsed, trapping them for hours. They were two of only 20 rescued alive from the rubble. McLoughlin has been through the first WTC attack, somebody who can lead a team into the complex and save lives. But even he is caught off-guard by the scope of what's happening, admitting he has no plan as his men speed to the burning towers. Jimeno is the go-getter, the person who does the right thing because it's right, not without fear, but with a sense of duty and optimism.

For the better part of two hours, we share their moments trapped in the rocks and twisted metal, fires burning around them as the life fades from them. Here are two men fighting to stay alive, yet longing to close their eyes and rest to deaden the pain ravaging their bodies. Death is the easy way out. Death means leaving their families, their children. They must stay alive and keep talking to each other about the people they love and why they sacrifice for others.

McLoughlin's and Jimeno's families are brought into the story, suffering as much as their trapped loved ones do through the agony of doubt. TV screens around them replay the crumbling buildings and the people fleeing in terror, but no news of John and Will. Jimeno's wife is expecting, and we worry for the fate of the unborn. Eventually John and Will are rescued alive, but it's no Hollywood ending given the unbelieveable loss of other lives we know too well.

Stone spares us the kooky conspiracy theories or moral high horses of previous films and lets the story tell itself. Disturbing images of the burning Trade Center are unavoidable, but he spares us the most graphic pictures, instead presenting the events as seen through the people who lived them. Some may say this film didn't need to be made. They are wrong. The attacks taught us people never fail to come together in the face of tragedy. And while lives may be lost, others are saved -- and perhaps bettered -- because of it. Even the worst terror attacks can't destroy that.

I journeyed to Ground Zero during my New York City trip in April. Memories of the horrid day caught up with me again, along with the sadness. But as I looked out over this giant hole in the ground, I had hope. Someday a giant building will stand tall and proud over the city. It will not be another World Trade Center, nor will we want it to be. We will not erase the pain and death. We will not erase the hatred that spawned it. But we will build and we will live our lives, just like John and Will did -- changed lives -- but we will live them.

The Lightning Round:In The Hole

The cops foil a huge terror plot. A chopper crashes into the Catalina mountains -- adding to the mess near Sabino Canyon, we might add. But the real talker story, the thing that's opening eyes across the Old Pueblo this Friday: Why the heck's Krispy Kreme closed?

HOT DONUTS NOT! KOLD News 13 broke the heartbreaking story to donut aficionados Thursday night. Krispy Kreme suddenly closed both its Tucson locations, shutting down its glazed-dough machines and laying off 55 employees.

I spoke to the chain's store director for Tucson, who happened to be at one of the locations when I cold called.

"We're doing some rumor control," I said. "Are you closing tonight?"

"We're done," was the reply.

He had gotten the directive at the last minute, as afternoon turned into evening: shut both stores down. He still hadn't broken the news to his family or kids.

No official reason has been given as we go to press early Friday morning. However, the director I talked to (whose name I'm not using because he wasn't speaking officially for the company), said the Krispy Kreme franchise had issues with "stability" in Tucson. Another source with inside knowledge confirms this, saying sales had not been living up to expectations.

So what went wrong? Perhaps Tucson is too healthy a community for fatty donuts. Perhaps the company misjudged demand. You wouldn't have known it from the night before opening day in December 2002, when people lined up all night (including a KOLD News 13 employee) looking to get their hands on the first dozen of dozens. Of course, The Lightning Round and KOLD News 13 will continue to follow this developing story...

UPDATE: The local Krispy Kreme franchise, Rigel Corp., filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, closing all the Arizona stores and two in New Mexico. Obviously those "stability" issues ranged far beyond Tucson. However, Krispy Kreme's corporate offices are holding out hope the Tucson stores can reopen... but they're not saying when.

DROP THE DRINK. Heightened security measures following the bust of a terrorist plot ban you from carrying any liquids on board an airline, whether it's in your hand or your handbags. The chief concern is that even though the principal baddies are behind bars, a few suspects may still be out there, quite willing to blow up a British Airways jet with some explosive liquid in their shaving case, detonated by a remote-controlled iPod.

So much for bringing that Mentos-and-diet-Coke geyser kit on board.

We're glad the U.S. restrictions still allow MP3 players and laptops. In-flight magazines? You've gotta be kidding me. I stop after the SkyMall catalog.

The Lightning Round also wonders why checking liquids in your luggage is somehow safer than bringing them through the metal detector with you, where the kind TSA officials can shake out your toiletry toter, sniff a bottle and say, "You call this Herbal Essence?"

ANOTHER STRIKE. Most of those held in connection with the terror plot are Muslim, another step backward for moderate Muslims in America who are constantly scrabbling their way up the mountain of tolerance. USA Today reports the stress on Muslims is so bad, it's putting a serious dent in their collective mental health.

From the article:

In her new study of 611 adults, thought to be the largest ever done on Arab-Americans, they had much worse mental health than Americans overall. About half had symptoms of clinical depression, compared with 20% in an average U.S. group.

The article points out the anti-prejudice efforts of Islamic-American groups, but The Lightning Round insists more can be done.

We'll say it again for the record. American Muslims and the groups that speak for them need to do a better job of getting their message of peace out to the public. I will never forget a Muslim shopkeeper at Tucson's Foothills Mall in the days after 9/11. She wore traditional Muslim garb, but all over her cart, which normally carried jewelry, I spotted shirts saying "9/11: We Will Never Forget." On her long robe -- a red, white, and blue ribbon. You had no doubt where she stood.

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH. It's not easy bein' green, not even for Al Gore. A USA Today editorial claims his lifestyle isn't as earth-friendly as you might think.

From the article:

Public records reveal that as Gore lectures Americans on excessive consumption, he and his wife Tipper live in two properties: a 10,000-square-foot, 20-room, eight-bathroom home in Nashville, and a 4,000-square-foot home in Arlington, Va. (He also has a third home in Carthage, Tenn.) For someone rallying the planet to pursue a path of extreme personal sacrifice, Gore requires little from himself...

And on the matter of paying a little extra on your utility bill to support wind energy:

[A]ccording to public records, there is no evidence that Gore has signed up to use green energy in either of his large residences. When contacted Wednesday, Gore's office confirmed as much but said the Gores were looking into making the switch at both homes.

Truth be told, it's hard for a lot of us to live green. I'm wondering when my apartment complex will move into the '90's with curbside recycling. Wind farms aren't even on the radar scope here. It's hard enough finding bio-diesel or E-85 fuel. We'll cut the former Veep a little slack this time, but we want to see propellers turning outside that mansion of his.

CRY, AND THE WALLS CRY WITH YOU. Scientists have come up with computer-generated, mood-sensitive artwork. It looks how you feel -- a step beyond Picasso's "blue period" -- by analyzing your expressions through a webcam.

From Reuters:

The painting changes from a dark, somber image to a brightly-coloured one as the viewer's expression alters from a scowl to a smile.

No word on whether mixed emotions will crash the system.

WE'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER. The Lightning Round follows up on our item from two weeks ago, when Floyd Landis first tested positive for too much testosterone. At the time, we theorized a ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone of 10:1 or higher in a urine sample was the stuff of the overwhelmingly buff superheroes or pro wrestlers. Turns out Landis' sample registered 11:1.

Don't make Floyd angry. You don't want to see him when he's angry...

Newsfakers

Reuters just pulled a doctored photo of bomb-blasted Beirut and terminated its relationship with the phographer/hoax artist. The person who exposed this fraud, unfortunately, wasn't some Reuters photo editor but Charles Johnson, the same blogger who found problems with the memos aired on 60 Minutes II regarding George W. Bush's military service. I say "unfortunately," because this photo shouldn't have come within 50 light years of a wire service line.

The fakeness should've been obvious from the repeating patterns of smoke. I wonder how many pairs of eyes this photo went across before it hit the circuits. And I wonder if Reuters might terminate them too for failing to spot such a Photoshop farce.

It's not going to be very long before TV has its own version of this scandal, something way beyond electronically superimposing a reporter in front of the White House. I'm thinking Wag The Dog, where war footage is created in the CGI studio and beamed out to the rest of the world after some stringer slips it to a network guy claiming he just shot it in the West Bank.

CNN just created a new system for sharing viewer-submitted news footage. Nowhere on the front page do I see any warnings about the veracity of items. CNN editors review what comes down the pipe, I'm sure, but somebody somewhere is going to slip something phony past them, if only to make a point. It's been done in the print world. CNN has fallen victim to a fake news generator. And remember the infamous 2003 "Hunting For Bambi" hoax which sucked in KLAS-TV in Las Vegas and spread across the country through network feed services. And just last month, somebody faked a phone report.

When this scandal comes, I'm not going to be surprised. Saddened, yes. My job is hard enough without having to wonder whether our viewers think we're making it up.

Phoning It In

Memo To Aspiring TV News Producers: Don't ever do this: fake a report over the phone.

Amazingly, all parties involved appear to be keeping their jobs -- for now.

Reel To Reel: The Night Listener

When truth is stranger than fiction.

How It Rates: ****
Starring: Robin Williams, Toni Collette, Rory Culkin
Rated: R
Red Flags: Strong Language, Mature Themes

Describing more than a snippet of plot of The Night Listener would drain the fuel from this film's suspense engine. It's the kind of film Alfred Hitchcock would have directed, where horror is suggested and not shown.

Williams plays Gabriel Noone, writer and public-radio storyteller struggling with the words coming out of his mouth. His HIV-positive partner has left him and dried up his creative juices. A friend lends him a manuscript from a sick 14-year-old (Culkin), who details a sickening childhood of sexual abuse, and Noone is entranced by the story. He soon gets a call from the boy, who happens to be a fan of Noone's show.

But something isn't right about the boy, his story, or his mother (Collette). That's where the suspense begins and my plot summary ends. Instead, let's focus on Robin Williams, who demonstrated the ability to play troubled, slightly creepy people with emotional depth in One Hour Photo and Insomnia. You realise this isn't a film about a boy; it's about a man consumed by a story, much like last year's Capote. Pursuit of the facts leads Noone onto paths that will either reward or destroy him.

Effective suspense plays upon us knowing nothing more than the principal character caught in the intrigue but allowing us to guess several ways out. The film handles this beautifully. We are allowed to absorb and think about the story as Noone encounters it, and the film does not send up needless flags or dramatic sidebars to underscore tension. Less is more. Silence is golden. And nothing sells like a good story.

The Lightning Round:Dictators, Inebriators, The Songs Behind Alternators

Nothing keeps the press pressing like the good 'ol rumor and scandal machine. We'll play along to be good sports, but we must admit this: after four days of drenching rain over the weekend here in Tucson and another soggy mess today, we're too busy building an ark to float the boat of the endless news cycle. Closed lips sink ships.

CASTRO'S GASTRO. Is he dead or alive? Or just spouting propaganda by proxy? His inner circle says he's fine, but The Lightning Round asks this: why doesn't Fiedel Castro just show his ugly, bedridden, post-intestinal surgery mug and shut down the speculation shop?

One harkens back to the Evil Empire days of the former Soviet Union, when western authorities often counted the number of days since high-ranking Russian commies were seen in public. We also remember Soviet president Konstantin Chernenko, who was near death when he was dragged from his hospital bed to a ballot box for elections in 1985.

Castro claims stress brought it all on. We're hearin' you there. Holding to hard-line red dogma is getting tougher by the day. Still, we think it's to the point where Castro's stomach can't even stomach himself anymore. Or maybe it's all those cigars over the years.

MAD MEL. Ask Mel Gibson's friends about his alcoholic anti-semitic arrest outburst, and you'll hear them rationalize it as the liquor talking.

From the L.A. Times:

"Is he an anti-Semite? Absolutely not," [Jodie] Foster said. "But it's no secret that he has always fought a terrible battle with alcoholism. I just wish I had been there, that I had been able to say, 'Don't do it. Don't take that drink.' "

Even with copious apologies by the accused, we're still not convinced. Intoxicating beverages tend to bring out the junk people hide in their intellectual attics. Mel has tried to get out from the shadow of his father, a Holocaust denier. Passion Of The Christ stirred the pot until it made so much money the bucks lapped any bigotry. And now booze brings the old suspicions back.

Yours truly is truly afraid of what potent potables could do to him, which is why in social situations he stops at two Mike's Hard Lemonades, and then chases that with copious straight Coca-Cola. I find alcohol makes me more poetic than combative, but I'm not putting that to the test... especially behind the wheel.

CAR-EOKE. More than two-thirds of respondents in a Pew Research Center study admit belting out a few tunes behind the wheel.

The rest of us are glad for auto glass.

DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HISTORY. A national group is trying to put some weight behind Arizona's new law requiring the flag and Constitution be displayed in all public classrooms. They want the state's universities to require students take one U.S. history course in order to graduate.

Fair enough, but only if our lawmakers take one too. Call it remedial education. In all fairness, though, I remember only fragments of what I learned in my college American history course, the one that busted my rear end my Freshman year. I still have two full notebooks to remind me, ones that have come in handy on at least one of many excursions along the timeline.

Still, if it gives students a little more respect for the Constitutional rights, maybe it will be harder for future governments to take those rights away in the name of the War on Terror.

SPEAK YOUR MIND. When Katie Couric's rejiggered CBS Evening News debuts in September, it will include a regular opinion segment entitled "Free Speech," described as "a segment of opinion and commentary from a wide range of Americans."

From the CBS press release:

This original segment is intended to create a candid and robust dialogue among viewers about issues important to them, their families and the nation.

With rabblerouser radio, blogs, Fox News, The Daily Show and Mel Gibson, who suddenly decided we have a dearth of talking points?

Goodbye (sigh) Again!

I'm really getting tired of saying goodbye to people. Less than a month after Kris Pickel left us, I'm waving to Kaushal Patel, our weekend anchor and weekday reporter for the last two years.

Kaushal meant business from day one. The earliest encounter I remember with her was when I filled in for the weekend producer. She strode over to get a look at the rundown, something her predecessor never did. She would make suggestions and ask about stories. I didn't have to justify my existence, but it's nice having somebody who wants to be involved with the broadcast.

In the short time we have known Kaushal, she has left a mark here. If we want to talk about memorable moments, my favorite is from 2005.

Randy Garsee, an anchor known for hitting reporters with the occasional oddball question said this to Kaushal on the air after she completed a live report on the search for mountain lions in Sabino Canyon:

"Are mountain lions, like bulls, attracted to the color red?"

A few seconds of silence passed.

"I'm sorry?" she asked innocently.

"Are they attracted to red, like you're wearing?"

Actually Kaushal's top was more pink than red, but she got the joke.

"Um, you know, Arizona Game and Fish has not said anything like that." She wrapped up the report again with another advisory to people coming to the canyon.

Randy admitted he was putting her on -- again, live on the air: "When Kris is not here, I just kind of get out of control."

Kaushal is trading the desert for the big "D," working at Viacom-owned KTXA as they launch a prime-time news block similar to KCAL in Los Angeles. Welcome to the majors, Kaushal! Enjoy the barbecue...

Back On The Air

Forty-eight hours plus off the air tells you who your friends are.

Early Thursday morning, lightning struck the main Tucson Mountain transmitter of KOLD News 13, frying our signal output. Those of you who watch us on Cox and Comcast cable likely never knew what happened. But if you rely on DirecTV, Dish or rabbit ears, you found dead air where Channel 13 should be. And you let us know about it in droves.

Hundreds of calls poured into our station from people who wanted to know 1) if we knew we were off the air (we did) and 2) when would we be back on. A large contigent of you wanted to know if we would regain our signal before or after "Big Brother." The best we could tell you is, "We're working on it."

And that's the truth. If it were only as easy as running down to Pep Boys and picking up a few replacement parts. But transmitters are highly specialized pieces of equipment, and when a part goes bad, the replacement is flying in from somewhere across the country. The problem worsens as the transmitter ages, technology progresses, and spare parts get harder to find. Saturday, more than two days after the blackening bolt, a team of engineers resurrected the old Harris on the mountain.

But that wasn't before we heard scores of your comments. Many were civil and understanding. Some of you weren't. A few folks cursed out people who had nothing to do with the problem. One guy said he'd never watch us again, the most laughable threat I've ever heard. Has anyone ever made good on that threat?

We also heard comments along these lines:

"We love Channel 13!"

"Your're our favorite station!"

"We really like your news."

"We like Chuck George!" Chuck, by the way, went to grab some dinner one night during the outage and immediately found himself pelted by questions about what was going on with our signal.

So those of you without cable, we're back on. We're sorry we were gone. If the dead air frustrated you, just imagine the frustration for all of us here at the station who work round the clock and yet are enslaved to the ways of nature. That lightning bolt hit us right in the heart, in more ways in one. As much as you love watching our shows, we love bringing them to you. If the word of the 10pm newscast producer means anything, know that we are working on ways to prevent a repeat of what happened. I can't elaborate because our plan of action will be determined by others.

Thank you for your patience and support, wherever you're tuning in.

Reel To Reel: Miami Vice

"Vice" with more vices.

How It Rates: ***1/2
Starring: Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx
Rated: R
Red Flags: Intense Violence, Moderate Language, Sexual Situations, Male & Female Nudity

Michael Mann executive produced the original Miami Vice, one of the coolest TV shows ever. The movie version, which he penned and directed, turns up the coolness and kills the lights. Detectives Sonny Crockett (Farrell) and Ricardo Tubbs (Foxx) work harder and more dangerously with little time for wit or style. We see no mention of Crockett's pet alligator. He doesn't even say "pal" once.

The picture opens with a federal drug sting gone bad. Two agents are gunned down along with the family of a trusted confidential informant. Somebody has been leaking information about federal anti-narcotics operations to drug runners. But that somebody could be anywhere from the FBI to the Coast Guard. Out of the loop, Crockett and Tubbs go undercover to expose both the leak and the operations of a drug lord.

Like 2004's Collateral, Mann's picture owns the night and throws in some bursts of lightning and thunder as it submerges us into its world of shadowy figures, skillfully illuminated. Handheld cameras give you the feeling you're walking alongside the principals. Fast cars are there, but so are "go-fast" boats. So is a generous helping of sex, as Crockett hooks up with the smoking hot Cuban-Asian girlfriend of a drug-and-arms kingpin.

Most of the film is smugglers' chess as Crockett and Tubbs deal and counter-deal as dope runners in a tangled operation I won't try to describe. Mann's dialogue requires your undivided attention to understand what's going on, for his characters aren't written down for audience consumption. They talk like the dopers and cops they are, with nuance and understanding of things left unsaid which don't need repetition. Even with Crockett's sidebar romance, the film stays focused on the bust, not even allowing time for a title sequence at the beginning. That may be Miami Vice's only real flaw -- it's a little too procedural, too dark, too gritty.

The Lightning Round:From Dope To Hope

A startling discovery in the cycling world has us pondering greater implications for mankind... and a few evil schemes.

TOO MUCH OF A MAN? Tour de France winner Floyd Landis tested positive for too much testosterone in his system. Landis maintains he's innocent. The world awaits another test on a backup sample of his bodily fluids.

From the AP:

Under World Anti-Doping Agency regulations, a ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone greater than 4:1 is considered a positive result and subject to investigation. The threshold was recently lowered from 6:1. The most likely natural ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone in humans is 1:1.

A four-to-one ratio seems quite generous. I assume The Incredible Hulk and most of the WWE rate at least 10:1. We at The Lightning Round would also like to test the leaders of Israel and Hezbollah right now.

Excess testosterone, we are told, can be blamed for men behaving badly. Reflecting on this for a few moments brings us to an insightful question: what if we could reduce the level of testosterone in the world's most belligerent countries?

Forget nukes. Don't bother bombing. Mothball the missles. Get me on the phone with the lab and we'll whip up a substace to dial down the guy-hormone like a thermostat. We need to get this into the water quickly, before Earth goes to hell. Get it into Hassan Nasrallah's toothpaste. Slip it into Ehud Olmert's eyedrops. I want them leeched of their manhood within 48 hours.

They won't even know what hit them. They'll wake up one morning and suddenly freak out at the cost of munitions when the bathtub needs reglazing. Puzzled citizens will congregate in ruins of neighborhoods, not merely because the bombing has stopped, but also because Barry Manilow's latest album actually sounds appealing.

The man who controls testosterone is the man who rules the world. It's more diabolocal than the schemes of any James Bond villian. Who cares if we're neutering men? Meterosexuals, "emos,".... heck, men are neutering themselves, anyway.

SIDE SHOW. In a world of tension, rocket attacks, global warming, poverty, despotism and more, the diplomats of the world still have time to put on their own version of America's Got Talent. Even Condi Rice, concert pianist, got into the act.

Kim Jong Il, had to cancel, unfortunately. He was slated to cover Elton John's "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me."

TECHNICAL FOUL. PBS fired childrens' show host Melanie Martinez after getting a look at her in a video spoof called Technical Virgin.

From the AP:

Airing for three hours each evening, "The Good Night Show" airs soothing stories and cartoons designed to get an audience of 2-to-5- year-olds ready for bed. Each night, Martinez guides a puppet character into dreamland.

Obviously, PBS didn't want a diversion into Fantasyland.

LEGALLY INSANE. A jury found child-drowner Andrea Yates not guilty by reason of insanity in her second trial. Before you start grumbling about who was really insane, Al's Morning Meeting reminds us the insanity defense "has been around for centuries."

From CrimeLibrary.com via AMM:

The standard for insanity in the courts was determined to be such that a "man must be totally deprived of his understanding and memory so as not to know what he is doing, no more than an infant, brute or a wild beast" (Melton, 1997, p. 190). This "wild beast" standard was the insanity requirement of England's courts for over a hundred years and any defendant who attempted to use the defense had to prove he or she lacked the minimum understanding of a wild animal or infant.

So if a lion can can solve a binomial equation and you can't, do they commit you?

HORSEPLAY. Less than a month after the world-famous World Cup headbutt, jockey Paul O'Neill gave his horse the in-your-face treatment. O'Neill later apologized, but he claimed the horse dumped him before a race.

From the BBC:

"When I got to the start he headed straight for a car with me, stopped five feet from the car, whipped round and dropped me."

Our horse whisperer at The Lightning Round has translated the above animal action as such: "No way man, I heard about Barbaro!"

POINT AND CLICK. Finally, we couldn't ignore these pictures of a "cursor kite" from Make magazine. At last, the world is your web page.

So You Wanna Be A TV News Producer?

Houston TV producer Mike McGuff of KTRK interviews me on his blog about what TV newscast producers do, how I got my start in the business, and what you need to know if you decide to sit in the control room instead of in front of the camera.

You'll also read about meeting the great Arizona Wildcat basketball coach Lute Olson... on bended knees.

Saying So Long To The Dynamic Duo

Two of my favorite people on Earth are leaving Tucson -- KOLD News 13 anchor Kris Pickel and her husband, KOLD News 13 photographer Carl Lemon. Having worked with them for the last 6 1/2 years, it's the farewell I hoped I would never have to say.

When I arrived at KOLD in January 2000, I stepped into a station lifting itself from bad ownership and ratings challenges. Kris had been with the station three years and was clicking with Randy Garsee as part of the weeknight 6 and 10 news team. I produced on weekends, filling in during the week. I felt extra heat on my rear. Management fired my predecessor, a person who believed she could slack her way through stacking a newscast, so I had to prove this mysterious stranger imported from Texas bore no resemblance. I also had to tweak my news philosophy and ramp up my writing output. I won Kris' support quickly. During the early sessions of cranking out scripts for her, she slipped me instant messages through the newsroom computer system: "Your writing is excellent!" Those encouraged me, especially having dealt with two difficult anchors at my previous station.

From the start, Kris' go-getter attitude stood out. She liked anchoring and reporting, something former news director Carolyn Kane found essential. Mrs. Kane didn't hire anchors to solely sit at a desk. "You've got Kris, too," she reminded me when I filled in on late newscasts and we went over the nightside crews. True to form, Kris ran on breaking news stories several times. If you have ever seen Kris report live on breaking news, you know she's the stuff.

When part of the Tucson Convention Center caught fire during a movie shoot in December 2004, I sent her to the scene for the 10pm newscast. She was the only Tucson anchor live on the scene. She owned the coverage, right down to the moment when she and a Tucson firefighter showed us a burned fragment of the TCC on live television. During that memorable moment, we also saw KVOA's microwave truck in the background, leaving the premises. The competition was cutting and running while we were still developing the story.

Kris and I have had occasional disagreements on news issues, but she never ripped me apart. In 6 1/2 years, I can count on one hand the number of times I have angered her. And then, the spat never lasted long. No lingering grudges, no simmering resentment.

You find the same qualities in her husband Carl, an ace with a camera and overflowing with creativity. He doesn't need prodding to find new ways of telling a story in pictures.

One Saturday night in 2000, he shot a short feature on a Mexican folkloric dance troupe. He asked what images I was looking for, and I remember doing my poor imitation of the signature shot I wanted: stamping my feet while clenching an imaginary frilly dress. Make sure we saw that, I think I said. But I also wanted some of the other dances on the card.

"A montage!" he suggested. Yeah, that was it. The story occupied a mere 25 seconds of air, but that montage made every second count.

Hard news often looks like art through Carl's camera: a silhouette of rescuers pulling someone out of a flooded wash, the light coming from the beams of rescue vehicles. A rancher talking with a reporter against a sunset as if Sergio Leone had lined up the shot. The framing. The lighting. The bursts of sound.

"Either you're going to win, or the moment's going to win," I once heard him tell an intern who wanted to get into news photography. Carl wins most of the time, and even when he doesn't, he does. Photographers often grumble about aging or buggy equipment, but Carl makes it work and meets his deadlines. I have never had to "float" any of his stories because of delays.

Put Carl and Kris together and they're dynamite. They work together all the time on stories, but my vote for masterpiece comes from 2001. They put together a 17-minute special report on the use of force by Tucson Police on rioting basketball fans after the Arizona Wildcats lost the NCAA championship. Fourth Avenue degraded into mob rule. Officers fired tear gas and "stingballs" into the crowd after fans set fires and turned over cars. Several people filed complaints about police tactics, including one University of Arizona freshman who lost an eye to a less-lethal projectile.

"Decide for yourself," Kris told viewers. "Did police abuse their power or take effective measures to bring a violent situation under control?"

The report played a role in the revision of TPD's riot-control policies. And it won Kris and Carl an Edward R. Murrow award -- at least one league above an Emmy.

One day two months ago, Kris asked to talk to me just after I arrived for work. She led me out to the parking lot.

"Am I in trouble?" I asked.

"No," she laughed. "That would've been, 'Francis, get over here!'"

Once we were by the photographers' vehicles, she dropped it on me.

"I'm giving my notice today."

My mouth fell open and my insides hollowed out. Half my molecules locked up while the others plunged into mourning. I couldn't do anything but stare, dumbstruck, as my eyes began to water.

She wanted me and a few select others to know before the official announcement. I thought the day might come, but I brushed it off: Surely Kris had too much going for her in Tucson to up and leave.

Kris loves Tucson, but she also loves her two young boys, and she wants more for them... more time with family. For this she is trading her crown as Tucson's News Queen for an anchoring and reporting job at KOVR in Sacramento. Carl will also trade stations but remain behind the camera. It takes a lot to sacrifice contentment for the benefit of your children. Kris and Carl surprise me not. They are people of principle and character.

"When you stop caring, it's time to leave," Kris once told me about the news business. I have stayed. Kris and Carl are staying, just in a different city, and they will continue to pour professionalism into their work, just as before.

And yet the poet Robert Frost tells us "Nothing gold can stay." The verse applies to so many things, for life's only true constant is change, no matter how much we wish or pray it isn't. In broadcast news, moving on and moving up is how the game is played. But this doesn't inoculate you against the pain of saying goodbye to your endearing colleagues when they head off to new opportunities -- even if it's not really goodbye, just "send me an email."

Sacramento, you're getting two of the best in the business.

The Lightning Round:Put Your Back Into Your Work

PR folks tell politicians to live with the rule, "the camera is always on." But the microphone was also on this week, and eyebrows raised by a four-letter word hit the ceiling when they saw a certain executive action...

RUBBED THE WRONG WAY. President Bush gave a quick back rub to German Chancellor Angela Merkel during the G8 summit, and the video is all over the place. The action barely lasts a second, long enough for Merkel to throw her hands up. Now, if she hadn't thrown her hands up, do you believe this clip would be making such a fuss?

How soon we forget another political rule: "You scratch my back, I scratch yours."

For a few others, especially Ted Kennedy, buying dinner is involved.

FIRST THING, LET'S RENAME ALL THE LAWYERS. The American Trial Lawyers Association is rebranding itself as the American Association For Justice. Spokeswoman Chris Mather says the new name "reflects whose side we're on in the fight for justice."

Notice the new name includes neither "trial" nor "lawyer."

From The West Virginia Record:

Lisa A. Rickard, president of the U.S. Chamber Institute for Legal Reform, called the vote "an astounding admission of the unpopularity of trial lawyers in America."

"But the sad fact is that trial lawyers have no one to blame but themselves for their low esteem," she said Wednesday in a written statement. "Decades of abuse of the civil justice system by some of their members have created a sue-happy litigation climate that results in lost jobs, higher consumer prices, and ultimately, little justice for anyone-even the victims that they represent."

That should answer the question of whether a name change is enough. But while we're tweaking terminology, we're thinking of a few other name changes congruent with the Association's new vision of the majesty of law.

Prosecutor -- will now be known as "Advocate Of Justice" (or, "A.J." for short)

Public Defender -- now, "Advocate Of The Accused" (or, "Double-A")

Lawyers in civil trials -- just "Advocate"

Judge -- "Master Of The Court" (or, "M.C.")

Jury -- "Council Of Decision" ("C.D.")

Plaintiff -- "Summoner Of Justice"

Defendant -- "Respondent Of Accusations" ("Respondent" is used already in many jurisdictions. Why not glorify it a little more?)

REAL MINUTEMEN WEAR TRICORNS (CONTINUED). They keep good watch on the border, but not on their dollars and cents, according to a Washington Times story. The paper can't verify the numbers provided by founder Chris Simcox. And why do they need to funnel it through conservative commentator Alan Keyes' organization?

This much is certain -- the money isn't going into their border fences.

FAKING IT. When you need to tell a big lie about where you've been on vacation, a Russian company is here to serve you.

For $500, here's what you get from Persey Tours, according to the L.A. Times and Fox News:

...They go out of their way to provide vacation vouchers like ticket stubs, doctored photos, souvenirs and forged hotel receipts...

We at The Lightning Round are wondering if this is a former KGB paperwork-doctoring outfit looking for post-Cold War opportunities.

PLAYING GOD? IN SAMUEL WE TRUST. Samuel L. Jackson will be the voice of The Almighty in a new audiobook version of the New Testament. We think he's got the juice for it, especially after his memorable speech in Pulp Fiction derived from Ezekiel 25:17:

"...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"

Then again, this is the same guy who utters in the upcoming movie Snakes On A Plane, "I've had it with these m%$&^#@ing snakes on this m%$&^#@ing plane!"

Ten Commandments material, he's not. But some think so.

Citizen FrancisPage

Brad Poole writes about the potential pitfalls of blogs in Today's Tucson Citizen. I voluntarily contributed information to the story through inquiries posted at Speed Of Thought, afraid of seeing another blog-bash story hit the streets.

From the story:

"You publish insightful, intelligent content, you will attract an insightful, intelligent audience. Push flamebait, and feel the fire," Francis said in answer to a blog post seeking comment for this story.

...

Francis uses his blog to let people - especially family and friends - see a side of him they don't see in his everyday life and to unleash his muse through writing.

"In a way, it's therapeutic," he said.

My take: He gets it, although I was left with the impression blogging is more dangerous than it really is. I don't agree with the skull-and-crossbones illustration of blogging, although Captain Bartholomew Burgundy might!

Blogging, as Jeff Jarvis has said, is a conversation. And if you're rude, belligerent, or violent in your discourse, you can expect the same in return. That's no different than oral or written communication, which have been around forever. Blogs, like everything else, can be used for good or evil purposes. You have the rabble-rousers like Kos, Wonkette, Huffington, et al., but you also have the apolitical types: people who blog about their families, their hobbies, movies, comic books, anything Star Wars. And somewhere out there you'll find a variation of what were once the seven most dreaded words on the Internet: "Here are some pictures of my cat."

I Know It's Here Somewhere!

Not finding everything when you click the "Life & Timelines" and "NYC Diaries" buttons? You should see what you're missing!

We've just fixed some major bug-a-boos. The buttons for "Life & Timelines" and "NYC Diaries" now should be working properly and listing all the content for those items. Because Blogger does not support tagging/categories (for reasons only they know), I have had to hack a solution using Blogger's search function for both of those features. Turns out the hack lasts only so long.

So... Life & Timelines now has its own special -- and better-looking -- page. NYC Diaries should bring up the complete listing of my New York City trip through Technorati. So if you've visited both those areas recently and felt shortchanged, come on back!

Reel To Reel: Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

One pirate reviews another in the latest chapter of Disney's swashbuckling franchise.

How It Rates: ***1/2
Starring: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley
Rated: PG-13
Red Flags: Ye Olde Violence, Spinetingling Images

I'm taking a cue from KOLD News 13's Reel Life Movie Reviews and enlisting a privateer friend to handle the critical functions. You probably know him already. Ladies and Gentlemen, Captain Bartholomew Burgundy...

Thank ye so much, mate. 'Tis rare I and me crew get a diversion, with business bein' so unpredictable. Just th' other day we plundered a ship we were led to believe was full've spices. Turned out to be Starbucks coffee. Wha' these landlubbers put 'tween their lips! But I gotta admit I fancy th' chocolate latte.

Anyway, all'vus tip our hats t' Johnny Depp. After all, he's made all of us proud t' be pirates! As Cap'n Jack Sparrow, 'e brought us all some glory, even if he carries 'imself about a little odd. He's a man after me own heart, a gentleman deep down. I just marvel at 'ow he gets out of all of 'is predicaments with nary a scratch on 'im.

And wot predicaments! In this film, 'is soul is doomed unless 'e can find something more valuable than any treasure 'e's ever sought. Me mate Christopher advises not t' give too many plot details away, but I can tell ye he procures some aid from 'is old mates Will Turner, played by that han'some Orlando Bloom, and Elizabeth Swann, that charming lady Keira Knightley. Mind ye, I wouldn' get too saucy with her. She c'n handle a sword better than half me crew! And of cours', th' cap'ns own crew is back along with the Black Pearl.

If ye sign on for action, by blazes, ye'll get it here. I sawr run-ins with savages. I witnessed me favorite Cap'n get out of bein' roasted in a way th' had all th' crew of the Wayward Star a-cacklin' wit' laughter. I sawr a three-way sword fight involvin' -- of all things -- a paddle wheel! But I gotta tell ye also, what 'ad us all mesmerized was the sight of 'ol Cap'n Davy Jones. I mean, we've all 'eard of him, right? But none of us 've ever seen him. So there he is up there, one of the most horrific works'a flesh I ever sawr, all slimy an' snaky with a crew to match. Two've me men nearly ran out of th' theatre!

Ol' Davy wants Cap'n Jack's soul to serve 'im as a shipmate, and 'tis not like 'e has a choice. Poor Jack's been condemned with th' Black Spot, ye see, and if ye read Treasure Island, tha' pirate textbook all the young bucs read, ye know it's a death sentence. But wait, as the' say, there's even more. Under th' sea lives a huge, tentacled beast scarier th'n any fleet of warships I ever set me eye upon. Ye know, I guess 'tis a nod to the' old gian' squid of legend, tho' I never seen one.

As for Will and Elizabeth, th'er set t' be married, but skullduggery gets in the way from a ruthless trader who wants t' control all the seas and all the shippin'. Sometimes 'tis hard to tell who's pirate and who's not, see? He has Will and Elizabeth arrested, and 'e demands Will bring 'im Cap'n Jack's compass, which doesn' really work like any compass we've ever used. In exchange, he offers Cap'n Jack a chance to go legit as a privateer -- like me. I would tell Jack 'tis not a bad livin' really. Ye still gets to be a pirate, but ye work for the Crown an' gets royal benefits an' all. 'Tis leagues better than' goin' it alone!

All 'n all, I and me crew loved this picture! It has everything a great pirate movie needs: swashbucklin', skullduggery, sailin' and Sparrow! We can' hardly wait for th' third picture next year!

So tha's it, mate. Anythin' ye want to add?

Sure. One of the strengths of this picture is it doesn't ride entirely on Johnny Depp's performance. You have to give the screenwriters props here. They could have made this film all Sparrow, all the time. I love watching Captain Jack, but that pirate swagger works only so long. Instead, they created a world of sea monsters, myths and legends come to life. And yes, Captain Burgundy, I too liked Captain Jack's escape from the restless natives. It is the closest thing I have ever seen to a live-action Road Runner cartoon.

Aye. And admit it to me, mate, ye fancy some of them three-cornered hats?

Yeah, that's true. But I like yours better -- especially that bow.

'Tis a cockcade!

Whatever it is, it looks like you won first prize.

The Lightning Round:You Can't Handle The Truth!

This week, we've noticed a flurry of stories involving falsehoods.

KEN LAY -- MARTYR? Some people actually mourn the death of Ken Lay, but not as grandly as one clergyman.

According to Reuters:

The Reverend Dr. Bill Lawson compared Lay with civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus Christ, and said his name would eventually be cleared.

"He was taken out of the world right at the right time," he said. "History has a way of vindicating people who have been wronged."

We notice the good Reverend conveniently forgets Jesus and Dr. King sacrificed their lives for the good of others while Lay hung his company out to dry while enriching himself.

I expect to see a new bumper sticker soon: "Ken Lay died when he lied!"

TELL ME LIES, TELL ME SWEET LITTLE LIES. A lot of us don't seem to mind casual, non-destructive fibbing according to an AP-Ipsos poll. Two-thirds of the respondents said white lies were all right.

From the AP:

Four out of ten who were surveyed say it's OK to exaggerate a story to make it more interesting. About a third say it's all right to lie about a sick day off from work. And about a third saying lying about your age is fine -- if you're just vain and not trying to dodge laws about the drinking age.

So I guess this excuse works: "Sorry I called in sick yesterday. This ravishing blonde gave me the fiercest cold I've ever had. She thought I was 18."

RIGHTING THE WRONGED. Eventually, those truly wronged do have their name cleared -- people like Grace Sherwood, accused of witchcraft in 1706 Virginia. She stood trial by water and floated, convincing colonists she was guilty because the pure water rejected her evil spirit. This week, on the 300th anniversary of her trial, Virginia's governor pardoned her.

Visitors to Colonial Williamsburg have been Sherwood's jury for years as part of an interactive play, "Cry Witch".

I took part in one of those trials during a visit in 2004. We were allowed to ask questions, but we were also instructed by the historical interpreters to use the law of 1706, not the law of present day, in rendering our verdict. Shackled by that restriction, we were left with little choice but to convict. And we didn't feel very good about it afterward.

DIGITAL DISASTER TIME. Homeland Security is updating the Emergency Broadcast System so it can send messages to cell phones, Web sites, and wireless devices. As you know, the system has been tested countless times, but never used on a national scale.

Still unclear: whether you'll answer your phone and hear a voice saying: "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an actual emergency you would've been instructed where to run and hide."

BLOG SAFELY. A part-time faculty member at the University of Arizona resigned after a blog bashing match went too far and too personal. Debroah Frisch, a liberal who admits she likes to taunt conservative bloggers, made this statement to one of them: "You live in Colorado. Hope nobody JonBenets your baby," referring to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey.

Angry e-mail poured into the U of A. Frisch claims it was a "sick joke." Sick is correct.

A reminder to everybody out there blogging and commenting -- practice your honors. A blog post is not worth losing your job over... or anything else, either.

The Lightning Round:Greed Kills

Do not fret, newshounds. While we have been taking a scenic tour of California, your blogmaster has been keeping up with several big stories.

LAY-ED TO REST. Convicted corporate con man Ken Lay assumed room temperature this past week. The official cause of death is a heart attack, which assumes he had a heart to begin with.

Lay's death has provoked anger -- how dare he die! How dare he escape justice! His demise also raises doubts about whether the government can ever get its hands on any of Lay's money. But it doesn't stop suits against his estate, which would have happened anyway. And after the legal bills, it's highly unlikely anybody would have gotten any decent chunk of cash out of him, dead or alive.

We can go back and forth about the religious implications. According to the Palm Beach Post, Lay at one point said: "God in fact is in control." We seethe at the unfairness of it all, the possibility that Ken Lay actually made it to Heaven while the victims of Enron's crimes go through Hell on Earth. We shall see what kind of funeral he gets.

But for now, I leave you with some verses from the musical Wicked:

"No one mourns the wicked.
No one cries, "They won't return!"
No one lays a lilly on their grave.
The good man scorns the wicked.
Through their lives, our children learn:
What we miss when we misbehave.
And goodness knows, the wicked's lives are lonely,
Goodness knows, the wicked die alone...
Nothing grows for the wicked,
They reap only what they've sown."

THE ROCKETS' RED GLARE. Perhaps feeling left out of Fourth of July celebrations, North Korea launched seven missiles this week, including one that might have been aimed for Hawaii.

While the rest of the world decides what to do about Kim Jong Il, or as my Dad calls him, "Pajama Boy," I can only recall the image of him presented to the world in Team America: World Police -- a buffoonish madman commie who can't pronounce the letter L.

If he wasn't playing with nukes, we'd give him a timeout in the corner.

MEXICAN STANDOFF. Felipe Calderon is the official winner of Mexico's presidential race -- for now. His left-wing rival, Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador, is not conceding defeat.

Vultures of the 2000 Bush-Gore presidential debacle are circling. But The Lightning Round reminds you, we have no butterfly ballots. And "dangling chad" refers to the act of hanging Chadisco by his feet from the balcony to get him to vote for the PRI.

AND THE WORD WAS... Several new words are joining Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary.

Among them:
google (v.) -- To use the Google search engine to obtain information about (as a person) on the World Wide Web

mouse potato (n.) -- a person who spends a great deal of time using a computer

wave pool (n.) -- a large swimming pool equipped with a machine for making waves

According to KCBS Radio, "podcast" just missed making the cut because it hadn't been in use long enough. As one Webster staff member described it, getting into the dictionary is a lot like getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame. You have to have staying power.

I guess that rules out my (dated) suggestion.

smurf (v., adj., n.) -- all-purpose word substitutable for approximately 2,000 verbs and 2,000 adjectives ("Wanna smurf around?", "That's a smurfy new bikini!") and possibly a few nouns. Use as a meaningless intensive is also acceptable ("What the smurf was that?").