Friday, July 28, 2006

The Lightning Round:
From Dope To Hope

A startling discovery in the cycling world has us pondering greater implications for mankind... and a few evil schemes.

TOO MUCH OF A MAN? Tour de France winner Floyd Landis tested positive for too much testosterone in his system. Landis maintains he's innocent. The world awaits another test on a backup sample of his bodily fluids.

From the AP:
Under World Anti-Doping Agency regulations, a ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone greater than 4:1 is considered a positive result and subject to investigation. The threshold was recently lowered from 6:1. The most likely natural ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone in humans is 1:1.
A four-to-one ratio seems quite generous. I assume The Incredible Hulk and most of the WWE rate at least 10:1. We at The Lightning Round would also like to test the leaders of Israel and Hezbollah right now.

Excess testosterone, we are told, can be blamed for men behaving badly. Reflecting on this for a few moments brings us to an insightful question: what if we could reduce the level of testosterone in the world's most belligerent countries?

Forget nukes. Don't bother bombing. Mothball the missles. Get me on the phone with the lab and we'll whip up a substace to dial down the guy-hormone like a thermostat. We need to get this into the water quickly, before Earth goes to hell. Get it into Hassan Nasrallah's toothpaste. Slip it into Ehud Olmert's eyedrops. I want them leeched of their manhood within 48 hours.

They won't even know what hit them. They'll wake up one morning and suddenly freak out at the cost of munitions when the bathtub needs reglazing. Puzzled citizens will congregate in ruins of neighborhoods, not merely because the bombing has stopped, but also because Barry Manilow's latest album actually sounds appealing.

The man who controls testosterone is the man who rules the world. It's more diabolocal than the schemes of any James Bond villian. Who cares if we're neutering men? Meterosexuals, "emos,".... heck, men are neutering themselves, anyway.

SIDE SHOW. In a world of tension, rocket attacks, global warming, poverty, despotism and more, the diplomats of the world still have time to put on their own version of America's Got Talent. Even Condi Rice, concert pianist, got into the act.

Kim Jong Il, had to cancel, unfortunately. He was slated to cover Elton John's "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me."

TECHNICAL FOUL. PBS fired childrens' show host Melanie Martinez after getting a look at her in a video spoof called Technical Virgin.

From the AP:
Airing for three hours each evening, "The Good Night Show" airs soothing stories and cartoons designed to get an audience of 2-to-5- year-olds ready for bed. Each night, Martinez guides a puppet character into dreamland.
Obviously, PBS didn't want a diversion into Fantasyland.

LEGALLY INSANE. A jury found child-drowner Andrea Yates not guilty by reason of insanity in her second trial. Before you start grumbling about who was really insane, Al's Morning Meeting reminds us the insanity defense "has been around for centuries."

From via AMM:
The standard for insanity in the courts was determined to be such that a "man must be totally deprived of his understanding and memory so as not to know what he is doing, no more than an infant, brute or a wild beast" (Melton, 1997, p. 190). This "wild beast" standard was the insanity requirement of England's courts for over a hundred years and any defendant who attempted to use the defense had to prove he or she lacked the minimum understanding of a wild animal or infant.
So if a lion can can solve a binomial equation and you can't, do they commit you?

HORSEPLAY. Less than a month after the world-famous World Cup headbutt, jockey Paul O'Neill gave his horse the in-your-face treatment. O'Neill later apologized, but he claimed the horse dumped him before a race.

From the BBC:
"When I got to the start he headed straight for a car with me, stopped five feet from the car, whipped round and dropped me."
Our horse whisperer at The Lightning Round has translated the above animal action as such: "No way man, I heard about Barbaro!"

POINT AND CLICK. Finally, we couldn't ignore these pictures of a "cursor kite" from Make magazine. At last, the world is your web page.

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