Obama's Choice

As I go to press, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois has just claimed victory as the 2008 Democratic Presidential Nominee. He has every right to crow. He beat racism, pessimism, and Rev. Wrightism. He played the primary game like a chess grandmaster, deploying his operatives into states long before they became important. He reminded us politicians can still inspire. He gave people something to vote for instead of a default anybody-but-Bush figure too often churned out by the DNC, thinking our collective disgust with the current administration is enough to sweep somebody into office.

Senator Hillary Clinton is not conceding, unless you count her new openness to the number two slot. I don't imagine the Obama crew wants to mess with her any more, but the DNC can't ignore the reality of the numbers. The latest polls show Obama beating Sen. John McCain, but Sen. Clinton would beat him by a comfortable margin.

So sometime in the next 48 hours, I imagine a meeting at an undisclosed location with Obama and his council of war across the table from the Democratic godfathers. The conversation from the bigshots will go something like this:

"Congratulations, Senator. You've made history. No matter what the outcome is in November, you will be the first African-American ever to be the presidential nominee of a major party. We know you've worked your tush off to get here, and we wouldn't want to take anything away from your success and organization, but it's time to face some realities as we focus on the big show.

"Your rival is offering to be your running mate. I know that suggestion turns up the noses of your faithful, but she is not going to fade away. More notably, her folks won't fade away either. Look at that stink they raised in Florida last weekend. We as a party cannot afford Sen. Clinton's people griping all summer long about being robbed. We also cannot afford your rival making some smug remark about how we were warned should McCain win this one. And Heaven forbid somebody gives her the idea to run as an independent. Not that we really think she would pull that garbage, but hey, it worked for Joe Lieberman. She's got to be awfully tempted after slugging it out with you these last six months and winning the big states.

"All those hot-pants pundits on the tube say this party needs to come together. Well, duh. But it's not going to happen if you don't throw Hillary a bone, and that bone is gonna haveta be awfully dadgum big. You aren't running against her anymore. You are running against all her minions who would rather kiss Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's behind than vote for you.

"We'll make this simple. If you don't add her to the ticket, our chances for winning are at best 50-50. If you do and we still lose, you have every right to demand we shutter this party and endorse Whizzo the Clown in 2012."

Obama's people will huddle, play out the scenarios, crunch some numbers with the strategists and then come back with some terms and conditions -- mostly conditions like:

• Sen. Clinton agrees she is on the second half of the ticket, not the first.


• Sen. Clinton agrees to stop calling her former supporters traitors for flipping their support to the Obama campaign.


• Sen. Clinton agrees to rein in her husband, threatening to neuter him if he wags his finger at another reporter.


• Sen. Clinton agrees to let Chelsea be a normal young woman for a change instead of her evangelist. Sen. Clinton and her husband further agree to stop floating rumors of a Chelsea candidacy -- for anything.


• Sen. Clinton agrees not to say the words "right" "wing" and "conspiracy" together during any TV interview.


• Sen. Clinton agrees any mention of early morning phone calls shall be limited to annoyances from those friggin' telemarketers.


• Sen. Clinton agrees to have throat surgery to alter that insidious, nefarious cackle.

And lastly, the Obama camp will reserve one condition for the DNC.

• The party agrees to change the delegate selection process to a winner-take-all system so we don't have to go through this @%*##@ thing all over again in four years.

I doubt they'll go for the last term, but I'm sure Obama's folks consider it a throwaway clause. Politics is all about compromise.