The Lightning Round:School Of Hard Knocks, Pat's Pushing It

Okay, new idea. I have a new name for The Rundown.

It's a common TV news producing technique: throw some quick stories from the wires or feeds together and wrap them under the banner Across America. That's what we do on the 5pm and the Noon. These can be big stories, little stories, weird stories... or a hybrid of all three genres. But whatever they are, I call it "The Lightning Round." And in the 2pm editorial meeting, when I'm going over a rundown, it's a chance for me to throw in some acerbic, Daily Show-esque asides.

So make sure you're properly grounded. Here we go.

Mr. 2000. Pat Robertson claims he leg pressed 2,000 pounds. Experts doubt it. The claim reminded me of Oral Roberts' vision of a 900-foot Jesus standing behind his City of Faith complex in Tulsa.

According to CBN's web site, he got help from his age-defying protein shake. It contains -- among other things -- soy protein isolate, whey protein isolate, flaxseed oil and apple cider vinegar. No mention of Andro.

Hammer Time. A Capitol office building was locked down last week because a congressman heard what he thought were gunshots. It turned out to be a workman hammering on a broken elevator.

Actually, it was the FBI preparing for its next office raid.

I'm Learning About Stress. A study by Public Opinion finds Black and Hispanic children are more likely to face a hostile environment in public schools, one characterized by profanity, truancy, fighting, weapons and drug abuse.

From the AP:

30 Percent of Black students say teachers spend more time trying to keep order in class than teaching. That's twice the percentage of white students who say that... On the plus side, most children say they're learning a lot.

Yeah, learning about profanity, truancy, fighting, weapons and drug abuse. All the dirty words I needed to know, I learned in Kindergarten.

Shooting Your Mouth Off. New York State Comptroller Alan Hevesi has apologized profusely for making a murderous metaphor involving President Bush at a commencement speech. He was describing fellow commencement speaker Chuck Schumer's courage when he said Schumer was "capable of putting a bullet between the president's eyes."

Says Hevesi to the AP: "It was a remarkably stupid, inappropriate and offensive comment." He says it came from, "the overflow from my stupid gland."

Pituitary? Thymus? We're not sure. But we've just heard from the White House. They say bullets are the VP's department.