Sunday, June 18, 2006

The King And I

My father has this aura of persistence, one surely passed down to him from Grandpa Francis, World War II veteran and cryptographic specialist who helped us defeat the Axis in ways he took to his grave.

It is the persistence of battle, the press for the next victory. Dad's always fighting something.

Inept supervisors. Broken promises. Glitches with his PC. High cholesterol. High blood pressure. Stress. Crummy cable TV service. Greying hair. This is after thirty years in management at four different corporations and one business handed down through family ties. His tour of duty in Vietnam is a distant skirmish now.

We'll not even talk about the past three years, a series of heartwrenching difficulties and shattered expectations, except to say they are over and the Kingdom of Francis stands intact.

The Queen may fret, but His Majesty refuses to surrender -- even in the darkest hours.

I got a call from Dad on the morning of September 11, 2001, when an surreal, gigantic tragedy dominated America's thoughts. We talked about the World Trade Center and the Pentagon and what we were doing at the TV station. But he was on the road, not glued to the TV. And he had other things on his mind.

"I think we're going to do that deal with McKesson," he said. Life goes on. Business goes on. The fight is not over.

Some of his management genes passed into my brother and I. Michael's overseeing theatre production at UCSD. I'm overseeing a TV news broadcast. We both became bosses to varying degrees and got tangled in our own top-down tussles.

"I want to say I'm proud of both my boys," Dad said more than once at the dinner table, although I forget the occasions. But the message still resonates after all these years, surviving the angst of teenage rebellion and the bickering that goes with it. So many of those arguments were just plain silly, like the one over finding reel caps for a old tape deck. That one had me wanting to end my Christmas break early and head back to the University of Missouri. We made up and I stayed.

We talk on the phone every weekend. Many times I'm his tech support representative, having put together his customized PC with parts we picked out at a computer fair. Dell would connect him to India. Every visit home now involves some degree of debugging. While some fathers and sons bond over sports or fishing or camping, we bonded over personal computers, going way back to a Radio Shack TRS-80, and then a malfunctioning Sanyo, a behemoth Sanyo, a Timex-Sinclair 1000, two flavors of Mac, various IBM clones and an Apple //c. The Queen has often rolled her eyes at such geek indulgences.

The Queen also watches The King's weight, even if he doesn't. We're all watching it for him.

"I don't eat that many sweets," he once said.

Mom and I burst out laughing. "Who's the one who always says, 'What's for dessert?'" Mother jibed.

Size matters. Exercise matters, but I don't worry about that. I swear he's the only person on our street who's mowing his own lawn instead of following the Southern California trend of hiring the nearest convenient minority. The Royal Grounds have never looked better. The battles continue, but the castle stands strong.

Long live The King... my father. And later, let's go to Fry's.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Reel To Reel: Nacho Libre

Vote For Nacho

How It Rates: ***
Starring: Jack Black, Ana de la Reguera, Hector Jimenez
Rated: PG
Red Flags: Wrestling Violence, Mild Language, One Manure Joke

Pro wrestling is fake. We know it's fake. I hope we know it's fake. WWE admits it's fake. Still, that doesn't lessen its drawing power for the faithful, and south of the border, wrestling -- known as "lucha libre" (free fight) -- holds deep roots and a colorful history of masks, heroes and villians.

Enter director Jared Hess (Napoleon Dynamite) and Jack Black. Nacho Libre is their colorful tribute to lucha, filmed entirely on location in Mexico. Black plays Ignacio, aka "Nacho," a monk cook at an orphanage so impoverished the friars can only afford meals of leftover tortilla chips tossed out on some back porch. Black longs for a better life and the love of a beautiful new nun, Sister Encarnacion (Reguera), with her long flowing hair which mysteriously some Mother Superior has allowed her to keep. Nacho is a fat oaf, riding around in a moped cart which looks like a reject from "Monster Garage." His cooking impresses no one. But when he sees the respect heaped upon some luchadors, he fashions a plan to win pesos and admiration by getting into the ring.

Nacho Libre works because of characterization and not plot, which is why Napoleon Dynamite worked as well. Essentially, Hess has transfused the formula into a different picture while retaining Napoleon's trademarks: wide static shots, goofy closeups, picturesque locations, and comical composition. Just the way Hess frames and arranges some shots is funny. Take nothing away from Black, though. His "mow-there," "sees-ter" accent is better than some of the actual lines coming out of his mouth.

To say Nacho will get what he's after is not giving anything away. This recycled triumphant sports plot has been recycled too many times to count, and any fresh variation immediately wins points. But the film gets tedious at points where the locations are funnier than the characters in them, and it tries to milk some scenes too hard for laughs. Jack Black doesn't need to milk scenes. Just let him wrestle.

Friday, June 16, 2006

The Lightning Round:
Getting Right With God

It's back again... with something for body, mind and soul.

AND THE WORD WAS... Roman Catholic bishops have approved a new English translation of Mass aimed at coming closer to the Latin version. What this means for you, faithful parisoner, is some subtle changes in the standard refrains:

OLD -- "The Lord be with you" / "And also with you"
NEW -- "The Lord be with you" / "And with your spirit."

Before Communion:
OLD -- "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you."
NEW -- "Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof."
(Besides, it leaks.)

And my favorite change, according to the AP:
"The Act of Penitence, in which parishioners now confess aloud that they have sinned "through my own fault" would include the lines "through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault."
I'm waiting for the refrain of "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" from Wayne's World.

Disclaimer: I'm not Catholic, nor do I attempt to be. But I do remember crossing myself the other night after I accidentally ran over that bunny darting across the road in front of the Wal-Mart.

STILL BILL. Microsoft founder, bazillionarie, humanitarian, nerd genius and secret lord of the universe Bill Gates is easing out of his day job at Microsoft so he can spend more time on his stunningly solvent $29 billion Bill & Melinda Gates foundation.

However, this will take two years, and Gates keeps his title of Chairman of the Board. He also will continue to make key decisions. And let us not forget Gates has already stepped down as CEO.

So The Lightning Round is now taking bets on if any, all or none of the following events will happen BEFORE Bill completes his transition to... uh... whatever.

1) Microsoft Windows Vista ships
2) Microsoft Windows Vista is fully debugged
3) Google Buys Microsoft, immediately changing Google's credo from "Do No Evil" to "Dude, We Own It All!"
4) Bill sells Microsoft On eBay to finance upstart company in Uganda
5) Bill converts his Seattle-area mansion into shelter for those who escape The Matrix
6) Donald Trump buys Microsoft, hosts new show: "The Geek"

BATON DEATH MARCH. Organizers of a Fourth Of July parade in Redwood City, California have banned a team of baton-twirling children because they move too slow.

From AP:
Parade organizers say the Redwood City Twirlers have held up the parade the past five years and created a three-minute gap last year that prompted spectators to leave, thinking the show was over.
Before you start writing hate mail, please note that the twirlers will perform at a parade in Corte Madera -- one hour away.

So let freedom ring, but quick now... we've got cookouts.

I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE... Administrators at Phillipsburg High School in New Jersey, sensing a Janet Jackson moment, hastily ripped out page 224 of the 2006 yearbook when they spotted a picture of a student sitting at a desk which appeared to reveal a bit of her underwear. The page will be replaced with a stick-on substitute.

I recall a similar incident in my hometown school district in the 1980s. During an elementary class photo, one of my brother's girl friends sat in the front row wearing a high-cut skirt. We don't know if the cameraman was a sicko or simply forgot to have her strategically adjust her legs, but the lens revealed a distinctive floral pattern between her loins.

"I'm gonna sue that photographer!" she cried, after the picture went to the printers unretouched and into the hands of every parent in the class.

I GOT YOU COVERED, BABE. Cher went to Washington to attend a congressional subcommittee meeting on the safety of soldiers' helmets. She did not speak, but obviously impressed congressmen.

According to AP, "committee chairman Curt Weldon, R-Pa., said that Cher has given "well over $100,000" to the cause."

We note the irony of Cher's interest in seeing soldiers well armored when she was so scantily clad in the video for "If I Could Turn Back Time," filmed on board a Navy vessel with scores of hooting sailors behind her.

TREE HUGGERS. The silly saga of L.A's South Central Urban Farm entered the next chapter this week when police moved in to move out protestors who don't want the new owner to turn it into a warehouse. The ordeal has attracted celebrites to perch in a tree, including Joan Baez and Daryl Hannah.

The owner of the land, Ralph Horowitz, says he's not selling despite a belated $16 million offer. According to the L.A. Times, it's "partly because of anti-Semitic remarks allegedly made about him by people linked to [the protestors'] cause."

Horowitz told the paper: "If they want to stand on the corner for the next five years, chanting slogans like they did in front of my house, they're welcome to. But it hasn't worked."

So lefties, you've done it to yourself again. Instead of chanting and chaining yourselves to anything on the farm and recruiting Hollywood sympathizers, why didn't you just go quietly raise more money when you were outbid for the land?

Now all hope is on your hero, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, to save you from the idiots in your ranks.

From the Times:
"We're still hopeful that the mayor can step in and close this deal, even if it's with hurt feelings," said environmental activist John Quigley...
And Mayor Tony, I would get reacquainted with the Serenity Prayer, for your patience will likely suffer more tests than an Arizona high school senior.

But life is a test, is it not? Otherwise you wouldn't be surrounded by these folks...

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Reel To Reel: Cars

Life Is A Highway...

How It Rates: ***1/2
Starring: Voices of Owen Wilson, Paul Newman, Bonnie Hunt, Larry The Cable Guy
Rated: G
Red Flags: NONE!

The flyspeck town of Wikieup sits on Highway 93, between Phoenix and Kingman, Arizona. I have passed through it several times on the six-hour drive from Tucson to Las Vegas. The center of town includes two gas stations, one Subway, and one motel with rooms shaped like teepees. The motel vanished during my last trip. Use the restrooms at one of the gas stations, and you will spot a small wooden box on the wall asking you politely to donate ten cents or more towards the cost of maintenance in a "desolate area." The town is surrounded by joshua trees, red rocks, awesome views, a whimsical rocket statue showing Snoopy blasting off into space, and an almost desperate desire to exist.

I am reminded of Wikieup as I watch Cars, Pixar's latest animated family film, set in a parallel universe where car and driver are one, and where roadside Americana is roadside history. Adorably cute cars and trucks whiz along roads, smiling and talking, making the horn almost unnecessary. Curvy muscle cars rev up sporty sedans. Tricked up hot rods and neon racers are the street thugs. Imports and European sub-compacts speak with an accent, oil-swigging RV's hoot and holler, and burly big-rigs keep on trucking. It will remind you of those animated Chevron ads with the talking cars, but those claymation figures don't have this film's CGI showroom shine.

Cars opens with the race for the Piston Cup, and in a world full of cars, it's more popular than the Indy 500 and the Winston Cup races combined. Lightning McQueen (Wilson) is a rookie car looking for his first big win, and ultimately, the lifestyle of a star car and spokesengine for Dinoco Oil. Curiously, nobody ever talks about high gas prices or oil wars in the middle east.

Lightning pushes his truck driver Mack (John Ratzenburger) to make an all-night haul to California so the young hot-rodder can get in a few extra laps before the last big race. Mack falls asleep, things shift out of whack, and Lightning gets stranded in the Route 66 town of Radiator Falls after tearing up the main drag. Radiator Falls is a lonely place with a rundown diner, ancient neon lights, and a motel with traffic-cone shaped rooms. Its car citizens lead an idling life, waiting for the next customer, anybody, to stop by.

The film carjacks a plot device from Doc Hollywood, where Lightning is forced by the town's judge, Doc Hudson (Newman) to repave the town's street before taking off for California. Lightning is burning to get out of town, but he befriends Mater (Larry The Cable Guy), a rusty tow truck, and develops a crush on Sally Carrera (Hunt), a sexy muscle car. Other colorful car characters could star in their own pictures: Flo, a 50's classic roadster and diner owner; Luigi, an Italian compact tire salesman with a mania for Ferraris; and Ramone, a low-rider and body shop owner. One of the film's most memorable sequences features Sally and Lightning out on a drive to what we would call the Grand Canyon -- only this one has rock formations resembling front ends and tail fins. Lightning learns there's more to his life than spinning his wheels.

It is clear Pixar's animators developed a deep love for northern Arizona and Route 66. The film pays beautiful tribute to them, right down to the cheesy neon signs and 50's-retro architecture. It finds character in everything with wheels, and that makes up for the plot's lack of originality compared with Pixar's earlier efforts. Adults will like it as much as the kids for the memories, if not the message.

Friday, June 9, 2006

The Lightning Round:
Don't Cough On Me -- I Might Run You Off The Road

DRIVE ME CRAZY. A University of Chicago study suggests road rage is rooted in a disease known as Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Do the acronym, and you come up with IED -- the same shorthand for "improvised explosive device," a thing that's killing our troops in Iraq.

I see other parallels. Just as minds poisoned by hate build the roadside bombs, minds poisoned by rage run us down in the lanes. And as some justify terrorist acts as the cleansing of infidels, others will excuse ragers for wiping idiot drivers off the roads.

Now that road rage is a disease, can we treat it with drug therapy? Heavy sedation? Happy pills? Do we substitute DUI for IED?

From the AP, quoting Dr. David Fassler, psychiatry professor at the University of Vermont:
"The findings also confirm that for most people, the difficulties associated with the disorder begin during childhood or adolescence, and they often have a profound and ongoing impact on the person's life."
So be kind to your children. You'll share a freeway with them someday.

THE BEATING IS WORSE THAN THE BITE. For Paris Hilton, a Chihuahua is a fashion accessory. For a Missouri woman, it's a weapon.

Police report a woman had bought a new puppy only to see it die. According to police, she went back to the breeder and whacked the puppy seller over the head with the dead dog. The breeder was not badly hurt.

As Tucson radio man John C. Scott observed: "Guns don't kill people, dead Chihuahuas kill people."

SNAPSHOT SHAKEDOWN. Want a wedding photo in front of the Statue Of Liberty or the Grand Canyon? Bring extra cash. The National Park Service is now charging groups with professional photographers up to $250, depending on the size of the group.

From the AP:
Officials said the fees are in response to a 2000 federal law that requires various agencies to come up with ways to recoup the costs of maintenance, security and other expenses stemming from commercial filming and photography on federal land.
Hmm, "other expenses." For an extra $100, does Smokey Bear do a cameo?

HOLIER THAN THOU. The Christian-themed film "Facing The Giants" earned a PG rating from the MPAA because of strong "thematic elements" -- in other words, too much evangelism.

From Scripps-Howard News Service:
In this case, [the film company's vice-president for marketing] was told that [the MPAA] "decided that the movie was heavily laden with messages from one religion and that this might offend people from other religions."
The ratings board expects the film to do boffo in Tehran.

I'LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY! Ann Coulter, the leggy Wicked Witch of the Right, is targeting is a group of 9/11 widows who demanded an investigation into intelligence failures before the attack. Coulter charges, "I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."

To the contrary, I've never seen somebody enjoy their own venom so much. Coulter could drink enough rattlesnake juice to kill ten people. And as the worn-out maxim goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Of course she's getting help from the cable nets. Wingnuts make great TV. Thus her outrageous oratory is amped up even more.

Maybe if Fox News ignores her, she'll melt.

IN THE STRIKE ZONE. And finally, we end the Lightning Round with, well, lightning. A pair of Tucson sisters nearly missed a direct hit from a bolt this week. Their couch, however, took a direct hit. So did a palm tree in the yard, along with a TV and an electrical outlet.

As KOLD News 13's Som Lisaius reported, Ana Hernandez asked her sister to get off the couch, placing her out of harm's way seconds before the electric mayhem.

SOM: "What made you tell her, sit over here?"
ANA: "I don't know, I don't like sitting by myself--so I told her come over here, sit by me."
Luck -- or Providence -- strikes again.

Saturday, June 3, 2006

Reel To Reel: The Proposition

How It Rates: ***1/2
Starring: Tom Budge, Guy Pearce, Emily Watson, Ray Winstone, John Hurt
Rated: R (nearly NC-17!)
Red Flags: Intense Graphic Bloody Violence, Strong Language

"Are we misanthropes?"

"Lord no, we're family."

Those two lines are spoken by members of the Burns Gang, a notorious band of outlaws who seem to kill and rob because it's the only thing they know how to do, overriding what humanity still bubbles inside of them. Can you name a wild west gang who kept a stack of books in their hideout?

Combine Deadwood with Unforgiven, multiply it by the Sam Peckinpah films, move it all to the 1800's Australian outback, and you have Francis' Movie Equation for The Proposition, a stunning exploration of violence and justice and how one does not always bring about the other.

The film opens with a barrage of bullets on a hideout, resulting in the capture of Charlie Burns (Danny Huston) and his younger brother Mikey (Richard Wilson). But Captain Stanley (Winstone) is after a bigger prize: Arthur Burns, a man wanted for killing a family of three, including a pregnant mother. Charlie is so deranged, Arthur and Mikey have parted ways with him.

So Stanley makes Charlie a deal. "Suppose I gave you a horse and a gun," the captain says. "Suppose, Mr. Burns, I was to give both you and your young brother Mikey, here, a pardon. Suppose I said that I could give you the chance to expunge the guilt beneath which you so clearly labour."

"You want me to kill me brother," Charlie says. Otherwise, Mikey will hang on Christmas Day. Charlie sets out on the mission, leaving Mikey behind to quiver in a jail cell, wounded.

Captain Stanley, who would be wearing a sheriff's star if this were a typical western, is quivering inside as well, beset by headaches and a gnawing aversion to bloodletting. His beautiful wife Martha (Watson) longs to know why a young boy is locked up. A superior wants to know why the boy has not been beaten. Stanley's own men and the townspeople read the captain's actions as weakness.

"I will civilize this land," Staney says, firm if a little uncertain. He knows his purpose, but the preferred means clearly trouble him.

Violence -- graphic, bloodsoaked and explosive -- is a trademark of the picture, along with ubiquitous flies. Flies buzz in so many scenes, around the living and the dead, one wonders if they were trucked in for each shot. These two stylistic devices come together in one heartbreaking scene, where young Mikey is beaten. As lashes whip the boy's back, flies gather on the backs of the townspeople eager to see justice dispensed. This potent visual suggests those who those who yearn for corporal punishment are poisoned by blood lust. As flies feast on rotting flesh, it seems that they are rotting, too, but from the inside.

Eventually, the confrontation between the Burns brothers takes place in a Christmas Day showdown memorable most for what the camera doesn't focus on, reminding us again that outlaws are still families, even if they do kill other families for a living.

Friday, June 2, 2006

The Lightning Round:
School Of Hard Knocks, Pat's Pushing It

Okay, new idea. I have a new name for The Rundown.

It's a common TV news producing technique: throw some quick stories from the wires or feeds together and wrap them under the banner Across America. That's what we do on the 5pm and the Noon. These can be big stories, little stories, weird stories... or a hybrid of all three genres. But whatever they are, I call it "The Lightning Round." And in the 2pm editorial meeting, when I'm going over a rundown, it's a chance for me to throw in some acerbic, Daily Show-esque asides.

So make sure you're properly grounded. Here we go.

Mr. 2000. Pat Robertson claims he leg pressed 2,000 pounds. Experts doubt it. The claim reminded me of Oral Roberts' vision of a 900-foot Jesus standing behind his City of Faith complex in Tulsa.

According to CBN's web site, he got help from his age-defying protein shake. It contains -- among other things -- soy protein isolate, whey protein isolate, flaxseed oil and apple cider vinegar. No mention of Andro.

Hammer Time. A Capitol office building was locked down last week because a congressman heard what he thought were gunshots. It turned out to be a workman hammering on a broken elevator.

Actually, it was the FBI preparing for its next office raid.

I'm Learning About Stress. A study by Public Opinion finds Black and Hispanic children are more likely to face a hostile environment in public schools, one characterized by profanity, truancy, fighting, weapons and drug abuse.

From the AP:
30 Percent of Black students say teachers spend more time trying to keep order in class than teaching. That's twice the percentage of white students who say that... On the plus side, most children say they're learning a lot.
Yeah, learning about profanity, truancy, fighting, weapons and drug abuse. All the dirty words I needed to know, I learned in Kindergarten.

Shooting Your Mouth Off. New York State Comptroller Alan Hevesi has apologized profusely for making a murderous metaphor involving President Bush at a commencement speech. He was describing fellow commencement speaker Chuck Schumer's courage when he said Schumer was "capable of putting a bullet between the president's eyes."

Says Hevesi to the AP: "It was a remarkably stupid, inappropriate and offensive comment." He says it came from, "the overflow from my stupid gland."

Pituitary? Thymus? We're not sure. But we've just heard from the White House. They say bullets are the VP's department.

Thursday, June 1, 2006

Sure... Unsure... BOOM!

I was going to save this for Friday's Lightning Round but this is just too good to resist:

A teenager in the UK accidentally blew up his house with... wait for it... a can of deodorant.

A friend of mine says something similar happened when he was in high school. Somebody left a Right Guard can in a gym bag sitting in the heat of the sun pouring through a window. BLAM! Fortunately, only the gym bag was shredded.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Reel To Reel: X-Men (III): The Last Stand

How It Rates: **1/2
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Halle Berry
Rated: PG-13
Red Flags: Intense Action Violence, Mild Language, One Gropey Sex Scene

I walked out of the latest X-Men movie more fascinated by its societal quandaries than by its slick CGI action. Perhaps I've reached the tipping point where no F/X sequence is going to amaze me anymore -- been there, seen that.

The X-Men series has always set itself apart from other comic book movies because its superheroes and villains are an entire race of people, "mutants" as they are known, who possess both amazing power and deep vulnerablity. They are persecuted and relegated to freak status. And yet, even as you feel sympathy towards them, you must also consider some of them want to conquer the world, start fires or disrupt the Earth's magnetic field. I don't know if Halle Berry's character can kick up a storm to match Katrina, but we can wonder at the sheer power.

The stigma is so deep seated, it overrides any religious implication. A father discovers his son has sprouted huge white wings. Has God sent an angel? Nah, he has to be one of those crummy mutants.

That father provides the plot hook for The Last Stand: a cure for the mutant gene. It comes in an injection fast and powerful enough to qualify as a biological weapon. I imagine scores of soldiers roaming the streets, spraying mutant enclaves with waves of vaccine darts. I envision a three-way mutant civil war among those seeking a cure, those seeking power, and those who simply want acceptance for who they are without harm to others. I picture a movement paralleling civil rights struggles and a response paralleling the war on terror. Is peaceful coexistance even possible with a race of humans who have the potential to destroy civilization? Sadly, the film doesn't have much time for insightful social commentary.

Besides the cure, the film's other centerpiece is Jean, the member of the X-team with devastating psychokinetic powers. Drew Barrymore's Firestarter character looks like a Bic lighter by comparison. We thought Jean died in X2. But it turns out she's actually been in hibernation, protected by some sort of psychic cocoon, if you believe the explanation of X-team leader Charles Xavier (Stewart). That explanation, rushed and obtuse, registered a big fat "uh-huh" on the chart. Once she awakens, she is co-opted by Magneto (McKellan), the archvillian who's back on the streets with heavy metal thunder, seeking to destroy the cure.

The film presents us with new mutants and new mutant abilities. One man will force medical dictionaries to rewrite the definition of multiple personality disorder. Another is a human porcupine. I wonder what mutant frat parties are like. "Look at me! I'm a giant sticker bush!" The creativity and rule-bending of mutant fight scenes is what makes The Last Stand watchable. You're always wondering what's next in the arsenal of abilities. Does Storm whip up a tornado or use lightning? Does Magneto bend up a bridge or tear apart a car? Does Iceman freeze the bad guys or pellet them with baseball size hail? Excuse me, that's Storm's area.

For all its potential, The Last Stand fails to develop beyond a summer action blockbuster. That's fine for most of us. But I am reminded of M. Night Shyamalan's The Village, a film where the real story got lost in a silly premise. I wish for a film called The Mutants, where the societal issues can develop without the distraction of a superhero force. Spider-Man 2 and Batman Begins both proved comic-book films can connect with emotions in ways beyond the good versus evil motif. I find it disappointing X-Men: The Last Stand didn't take the hint.

Friday, May 26, 2006

The Rundown The Lightning Round:
Is That A Dress You're Wearing, Or Am I Looking At The Girl Behind You?

A lot of other blogs make their bread and butter commenting on the news, so I don't. But let's put an idea into beta testing: a few quick hits on some of the stories I'm running across here in Tucson and on the wires.

Fashion Sense. A gay Indiana teen was barred from entering his high school prom because he was wearing a dress. Eighteen-year-old Kevin Logan, we should point out, has been cross-dressing all year to school, wearing makeup, nails and girls' jeans apparently without any trouble.

From The AP:
Sylvester Rowan, assistant to Gary Schools Superintendent Mary Steele, said school policy bans males from wearing dresses. Excluding Logan from the prom was based on "the dress code, not the student's homosexuality. That's his personal preference."
Maybe, but it still begs the question: if you've been permitting cross-dressing all year long at school, why not the prom? Stay tuned for the lawsuit. And in other fashion news...

Engage The Cloaking Device. Someday, Harry Potter's invisibility cloak may end up in your closet. Researchers at Duke University are part of a team who have developed a theoretical blueprint for the ultimate in see-through fashion. The theory is certain materials can be composed to steer light rays around an object, rendering it out of sight.

Duke's lacrosse team should find it handy.

Life's A Pain... And Then You Need Health Care. Tucson First Lady Beth Walkup is still struggling with neck pain three months after an accident at the Tucson Rodeo Parade, when horses drawing the KOLD wagon spooked and ran into the back of the Mayor's wagon.

From the Arizona Daily Star:
One of Mrs. Walkup's biggest frustrations has been the slowness of her HMO to authorize treatment, she said.

She had to wait five weeks for the HMO to approve an MRI scan of her head and neck, and she has been waiting four weeks to begin physical therapy.
Mrs. Walkup should sign up for Barbaro's health care plan.

River In Egypt Department. After more than three months at trial, mounds of documents and dozens of witnesses, a Texas jury came to the reasonable conclusion that Enron's Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling are a pair of low-down, money-grubbing parasites, something most of us knew long before the gavel dropped.

But not Lay: "I firmly believe I'm innocent of the charges against me," he said after the verdicts were announced. "We believe that God in fact is in control and indeed he does work all things for good for those who love the Lord."

True, Kenny Boy, hence your guilty-as-sin verdict.

RTA And The F-word. Tucson voters last week passed a 20-year, $2 billion transportation plan which will expand bus service, widen roads and make other improvements to hopefully decongest the city's traffic. This plan passed after several others failed over the course of a decade. Let me offer some amateur insight into why:

* Things can only get worse. Tucsonans are finally at the point where they realize the traffic problem is not going to fix itself, and the city is not going to stop growing. Thus, something is better than nothing. And after a decade of approving nothing, something needs to be done.

* The freeway's day has come and gone. A crosstown freeway would have been the solution twenty or even ten years ago. Phoenix realized that back then and starting building them. Tucson didn't because it didn't want to become... ahem... Phoenix. Infrastructure snobbery carries consequences, and now it's too late. Gridlock or not, a lot of us don't feel like tearing up part of midtown to expand Aviation Highway north, or blading and grading more desert space. Those of you who still want that freeway, no problem. We'll put you on the delegation that will go door-to-door, kindly explaining to your neighbors why their home sweet home must give way to the asphalt albatross. Make sure you don't have Beth Walkup's HMO.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Reel To Reel: The DaVinci Code

How It Rates: ***
Starring: Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, Ian McKellen
Rated: PG-13
Red Flags: Gunplay, Mild Violence, Mild Language, Male Nudity, Intense Depiction Of Self-Injurious Religious Behavior

When I took Classical Mythology in college the syllabus contained a warning: some of what you are about to read may challenge what you learned in the Bible. Some of it did, but my faith held anyway.

I have not read Dan Brown's novel. Before I saw The DaVinci Code, I was warned again: this is fiction. I know it's fiction. The Catholic Church and many protestant clergy are making considerable effort to remind you of that, lest you buy too extravagantly into the movie's shadowy world of Catholic conspiracies, cover-ups and criminal acts. Now what would ever give people the notion the church is hiding something? Three words: Cardinal Bernard Law.

You probably know the plot basics. Symbologist professor Robert Langdon (Hanks) stumbles into a religious mystery after a murder of a freind in Paris' Louvre. The murder victim managed to leave behind a cryptic series of clues after taking a bullet, making this one of the longest drawn-out death sequences we've never seen. The clues lead Langon into a centuries-old society protecting a secret threatening the very tenets of Christianity and a radical fringe group of Catholics trying to keep that secret hidden.

DaVinci is an action film where most of the action takes place inside your head -- more Powerpoint than gunpoint. It requires considerable attention and focus, for it tosses a lot of historical allegations your way. Director Ron Howard borrows a techinque he created in A Beautiful Mind, using CGI and flashbacks to guide us through codes and ancient history. Some of you will still get lost in the shuffling of past and present. At the showing I attended, I heard one person say to a friend, "You wanted to see this movie so bad, and you slept through it!"

Some people will complain this film lags. Yes, it does. That's a side effect of trying to translate a book so cerebral into a popcorn blockbuster. We demand, like with the Harry Potter series, a religious adherence to the source material -- excuse the pun. Yet when such translations fail to engage us in a visual medium with THX stereo, the failure is placed on the filmmakers, not on the material. True, the screenwriters have something to do with it, but some book movies are better as books and DaVinci is one of them.

I don't believe the conspiracies. But the film succeeds in making you think about your beliefs. The Catholic Church is understandably nervous about that. Hanks' character, however, also talks about faith in a key scene late in the picture. Without giving any plot secrets away, the point is the world is a better place with Christianity than without it. The teachings of Jesus Christ have touched countless lives, including mine. While we can debate the foundations of the Church into the next century, we cannot deny Christianity is a movement that will survive rumors, schisms, secrets, antipopes, heretics, and yes, sex scandals. The need to hide anything seems pointless.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

All Hail The Queen Mother

She brought me into this world, and I almost skipped across to the next one.

At a nice dinner out for my 30th birthday, amid the bustle of a busy night at the Macaroni Grill, I learned about problems during birth that nearly killed me. I am not wearing wings now because of the skilled staff at Independence Sanitarium and Hospital... go ahead, I'll let you make that wisecrack. But I have to believe my mother's love saved me just as much as those doctors.

Thirty-four years later, she's still the doting mother, wanting to know where I am, where I've been, who I'm hanging out with. I can't travel far from Tucson without getting the advisory: give me a call. During my New York City trip I called home every night, in addition to blogging my exploits. Moms want to hear your voice. And if I don't call her, she'll call me. She'll track me down.

I know because it happened while I was tripping in Washington, D.C. in 2004. One evening, I laid on the hotel room bed giving my body a break from tourist wear and tear. The phone on the nightstand rang. Nobody ever calls me when I'm on vacation. That's reality, not a rule.

"You didn't think I wouldn't be able to find you, Christopher?" she said in that voice of amused relief.

I planned to call later on, when late night in Virginia would still be early evening in California. She didn't want to wait that long. She couldn't get through on my cell phone, but she knew I was at the Quality Inn in Washington. That was enough for her to do some detective work and fish out my location with a couple of phone calls.

You can't grow out of being somebody's baby. Moms won't allow it, even if you give them a few grandchildren to re-channel some of that Mom energy. And what if you don't? I'm glad I have a brother and sister-in-law who have covered that part -- for now.

After spending most of three decades raising two successful sons, she deserves to dial down to a quiet life befitting a noblewoman. But economic realities dictate she continue to teach school and put up with a gaggle of miscreants. I am talking about high school students -- all of them boys -- who don't care to learn and care even less their parents' hard-earned money is paying for them to flunk at a private Catholic school.

Too many times, I have heard stories from Mom about the utter shiftlessness and immaturity of these people. They do things you would expect in public school eight grades ago: spitwads, cheating, verbal abuse. These infractions are correctable, provided people are willing to correct them. However, this particular school is tragically clueless at standing up for its teachers. The parents of said miscreants are either unwilling or unable to get a handle on their children. At least one of them lashed out at my mother when she tried to have a honest discussion about her son's difficulties. This, remember, is on top of grading stacks of papers from several classes.

The kids she taught during her first year at this school were pretty rough. It took nearly two semesters before some administrator wised up and said, "Gee, we really gave you some rotten kids." Took awhile for that Catholic guilt to kick in, eh?

I have asked her why she doesn't quit this miserable, demoralizing, dead-end job. She tells me she doesn't want them to win.

And so, she is The Queen. She will continue to be The Queen. She will rule her kingdom with soft-spoken strength, dispensing wisdom, love and discipline in appropriate measure. She will not be shackled by tyrants less than half her age.

Those subjects who respect and admire her will share the friendship of an amazing woman who has tolerated more than her fair share of setbacks and sorrow, things which I cannot elaborate on here. Those who turn against her, who mock and degrade her, who attempt to hurt her in ways unfathomable, deserve only wrath.

Unfortunately, All The Queen's Horses and All The Queen's Men are not at her disposal. But there is the royal court of her family and friends -- including one aspiring viscount in Tucson, one who loves her very much.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Reel To Reel: Mission: Impossible 3 (M:I:3)

How It Rates: ***
Starring: Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ving Rhames
Rated: PG-13
Red Flags: Action Violence, Mild Language, Mild Sex

M:I:3 lives by the mantra "He Who Has The Most Spy Gadgets Wins." It exists in the geeky spook universe where any problem is solvable with a cool piece of hardware -- like a three-dimentional printer that can clone Philip Seymour Hoffman's face. Forget about being John Malkovich. With a little more tweaking, perhaps we could modify the device to add some expressions into Tom Cruise's repotoire between panicked and cocky. And if that doesn't work, you can always blow something up.

The third film in the TV remake series finds Special Agent Ethan Hunt (Cruise) training agents instead of carrying out impossible missions, about as close to a desk job he's likely to take. He's hooking up with a nurse who thinks he works for the Virginia Department of Transportation as a traffic engineer. And somehow, she believes him when he suddenly has to go off on a business emergency -- actually running off to Germany save a captured agent.

This agent happened to be tracking a real baddie: Owen Davian (Hoffman), the Darth Vader of arms dealers. He has The Big One -- something called the "Rabbit's Foot," a device we're led to believe is the mother of all biological weapons, yet compact enough to fit in your child's backpack. So Hunt needs to find Davian, find the Foot, and save the world -- hopefully before his steady figures out he's not analyzing vehicle congestion patterns.

The film works because it moves constantly, bouncing around the globe, executing missions with the fun-to-watch flair of a heist picture. So when it tries slowing down to add some dimension to Hunt and some romantic interludes, you want to say, "Get on with it, already!" Director J.J. Abrams angles this film to be something more than an action flick when it doesn't need to be. We don't want that picture. We want Cruise jumping off buildings, scaling walls, and hanging Hoffman's character outside a plane. As such, Hoffman doesn't have a lot of screen time to develop his character. But he does the best with what he has, being the believable villain without stepping into caricature.

For all of the things that get shot or exploded, Abrams shows a rare bit of restraint at one point in the picture, where Hunt actually has to steal the Rabbit's Foot. This could have easily turned into a clone of a scene from the first picture of the series but Abrams works neatly around it.

According to Fox News' Roger Friedman, M:I:3 is causing some anxiety at Paramount because the $150 million pic did only $47 million on opening weekend. But remember, this isn't including the take from overseas, where Cruise isn't carrying the cross of the couch incident. By my estimation, the picture will need $400 million to break even, hardly an impossible mission, even by Hollywood accounting.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Where Will It Stop?

USA Today reports the NSA has put together a massive database of phone numbers called -- not the calls themselves, but just the numbers.

Qwest was the only major phone company that didn't contribute to this effort because of questions about its legality. This same company has a reputation in Arizona for lousy customer service. Ironic, no? When they say they have a "spirit of service," I'm more inclined to believe them now.

Sunday, May 7, 2006

When Worlds Meet

Mild agitation seeps into me as I maneuver the streets of Prescott. The Yahoo! map I printed out implied I should turn north on Arizona 89 from Arizona 69. But I didn’t realize the road I needed had already forked away from 69, leaving me heading in the wrong direction. The streets don’t match up to what I’m seeing. I flip a U-turn. I see Granite Creek, but where’s the park that goes with it? It’s surely not in that industrial complex. A fear gnaws at me: I might just have to stop and ask directions… wearing white 18th Century breeches, stockings and a waistcoat.

Eventually I figure out my mistake. I find my way to Granite Creek Park, discover I can’t get in from the west side, navigate around some more streets and find a place to park.

I emerge from my modern-day carriage with a haversack over my shoulder and a picnic basket in my hand. It’s time to picnic like it’s 1759 on a gloriously sunny day, as the family of We Make History gathers for good food, good company, and games from the past.

Lord Scott spots me nearly from the moment I step into the parking lot. Dressed in a red jacket and a rose-adorned tricorn, we exchange friendly wave-salutes. My blue felt coat with the pewter buttons, the one I decided would not cut it for the balls, suits me fine. The breeches and waistcoat, the labors of My Dear Aunt Susan, serve me well once more.

“Mr. Francis!” he says. So glad you could join us.

Always Mister Francis. Never just “Francis,” like people say at work, a nomenclature of my own invention designed to alleviate confusion amongst other Chrises.

Families are gathered in period costume, spread out on quilts, enjoying sandwiches and beverages in silver cups. A picnic table is devoted to dominoes, and young patriots in three-cornered hats enjoy an anachronistic game of Frisbee, running about in the clearing just before the highway and under the power lines. Young girls chase hoops with sticks.


I pull up a chair and get down to the business of eating, drinking, and making merry, munching on peanut butter and bread, reacquainting myself with people who I know I’ve met before and yet sadly don’t remember their names.

My shoes, the new pewter-buckle shoes, seem to be holding up.

“I wore them to work yesterday to break them in,” I say to Lady Scott. “I was sliding all over the place. People told me to go out in the parking lot and scuff them up, and I said I don’t want to wear them down. They’ve got to at least last me until November.”

“You’ll get at least six years out of those shoes,” Lord Scott replies.

I talk about how my colleagues enjoy hearing about my adventures in this other “world,” and how they can tell when another historic event is coming.

“Do you want your two worlds to meet?” His Lordship asks.

A colleague is thinking about attending a ball, I say.

Another family greets him and the subject changes before I can expand upon my answer.

I walk amongst the gathering, greeting others with an offering of home-baked chocolate-chip cookies. Yes, your patriotic producer does bake! It’s time for some Frisbee followed by lawn bowling.

The game requires only moments to learn. Roll your team’s balls closest to the “jack” -- a white ball about the size of a cue ball in pool, albeit much lighter. Your team scores a point for each ball you get closer to the jack than the competition’s, and double if the ball touches the jack. No pins stand to fall, but if you’re lucky, you might knock a few opponents’ balls out of place and improve your score. The game ends at a preset figure, 7 or 10 points in our case.

Modern bowling has me hitting more gutters than pins, so I’m relieved to take a shot at this. No shortage of curious competitors awaits, so we enjoy several rounds in the green May grass. A star emerges. Miss Alia, a charming lady, proves herself to be a formidable opponent, consistently rolling balls closer to the jack.

“We need the tape measure,” is heard again and again as we have to make judgment calls on close balls. A whimsical thought crosses my mind of how that would have looked in 1759. Did two men in blue-and-white jackets and tricorns run onto the field from the sidelines with two sticks and a chain?

Everybody is keeping score, but yet we have to keep asking what the score is, as if nobody really wants to win or lose… let’s just try again!

Over the course of the day, curious onlookers from modern times wander over and talk to us. We explain ourselves and our mission.

“We just had to see the Pilgrims,” one woman says. A century off, but that’s not bad.

A woman and her daughter walk over to greet us. So does a man on a bicycle who starts talking about how he came from Vermont.

“Those Indians could fire ten arrows in the time you could get a shot off from one of those blunderbusses,” he says, rambling into a tangent about how development had taken out some historic land.

“People always look at me,” I observe after he leaves, not sure whether that’s true or not. It must be the tricorn.

“It’s that gleam in your smile.”

I had much to smile about. Relaxation and the beauty of a spring day. Some folk musicians are playing a few hundred yards away. An idea springs to mind.

“Maybe one of these days we get both groups together and we have a dance here on the lawn!”

Families come and go, but a small group of us remain, enjoying each other’s company and conversation. A woman from Portugal describes a history of oppression in her country. We hear other stories of tyranny in Africa, and it gives us pause, a reminder of how so many yearn for the blessing of liberty while we enjoy ours.


Afternoon dissolves into early evening. At one point, Lord & Lady Scott and I stand silently, savoring the moment and the wonder of nature around us.

“It’s a beautiful day,” he says.

If we could have frozen time at that point, we would have -- stretched the minute into an hour or more under the setting sun and the light breeze, the green leafy trees and the blue skies.

“Do you enjoy Starbuck's?” Lord Scott asks me.

* * *

We walk up the hill and through the half-empty parking lot in the full regalia, past the Staples and the closed shops. The sidewalks are nearly deserted, but I tip my three-cornered hat to a few smiling strangers as we make our way towards the coffee house. The warmth within me soon meets a cool double-chocolate concoction, compliments of His Lordship.

“Sir Christopher,” he introduces to the barista, who writes it on the cup.

Lord Scott tells me of how he would occasionally get discounts or even a freebie for walking into Starbuck’s in period costume.

Some folks in a pick-up wave to us as we cross back across the blacktop to the park -- making friends everywhere we walk.

* * *

At one point in the afternoon, a gentleman in modern attire asked me several questions about what I got from We Make History. He had derived some insight from Lord Scott, but he wanted to hear some more from me.

“How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Thirty-four,” I said, “but today I feel like 22.”

I told him how I felt the entire experience -- three historic balls, one battle and now one picnic -- had uplifted and inspired me to be a better person.

“I see the world in a whole different way now.”

I told him how the journeys back in time had elevated my standards and given me something to take back into my other life and time as a television news producer.

“I had a choice to make the other night,” I explained to him. “I could either let my reporter do this story about two robbers who did a million dollar heist from the Gem Shows in February, or I could let this reporter do a story about the Law Enforcement Torch Run for Special Olympics which had great kids, great video, and a message of encouragement, and he could get it done in about 1:10. I chose the latter. I don’t regret that choice.”

I told him how I sought out relevant and informative stories.

“If I’m going to ask you to give me a half-hour of your life, I better make it worth it.”

He compared me to missionaries he’d known who had been abroad and then come home to find home wasn’t the same.

And then he hit me with the big question, the one my parents have asked in one form or another, the one I know my friends and colleagues ask silently.

“What message do you take away from all this?” he said, motioning to the people around me, submerged in the past.

Other times I would have struggled with the question. But now, my eyes misted and I immediately knew what to say.

“Life is worth living,” I replied softly.

I offered him a cookie before he left.

* * *

“Is that Francis in the background?”

The message crackled over the control-room intercom during a commercial break as I walked through the newsroom to the set, the plastic container of cookies in my hand, still fresh even after the long carriage ride from Prescott. I had to move quickly and surreptitiously to say hello without accidentally making it on the air.

“You look like Paul Revere!” a colleague exclaimed.

Someone pointed a studio camera at me as a joke and I shuddered for an instant. But no viewer at home saw this stranger in patriotic attire.

However, they’ve felt my influence for sure.

Did I want my two worlds to meet? They already have.

More photos coming soon!

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Reel To Reel: The Sentinel

How It Rates: **
Starring: Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland, Kim Basinger, Eva Longoria
Rated: PG-13
Red Flags: Violence, Some Language

Aside from one promising plot hook, The Sentinel is remarkably mundane, even impotent at times. It has all the elements of a great political thriller -- sex, power, intrigue, and bursts of violence -- but it fails to thrill.

I am writing this review one week after seeing the film, testing my own theory of how forgettable this film is. The only scenes I can remember are those involving Kim Basinger (playing the First Lady) and Michael Douglas (playing a Secret Service agent), and even those scenes are cloudy in my memory. I think I remember them only because I wondered at those points if the film was going to turn towards Fatal Attraction. It doesn't. Maybe it should have.

The Sentinel presents an intriguing set-up: somebody in the Secret Service is plotting to kill the President -- somebody who doesn't resemble George W., if you have to ask. (He's two screens down on American Dreamz, in case you need directions.) The first couple is going through a rough patch: together in photo-ops, distant in private. And Pete Garrison, the Secret Service's pride and joy, is suspected of wanting to off the chief. He's got an enemy: ax-grinding investigator David Breckenridge (Sutherland), a man once under Garrison's wing. And Eva Longoria? She's always easy on the eyes as Breckenridge's partner, someone who's out to prove she's got just as much brains as body. Garrison ends up on the run from the very comrades he leads.

With all this, The Sentinel should sizzle, but it barely manages to fry. Perhaps the filmmakers didn't want an over-the-top thriller, and that's where they blew it. The film doesn't reach for that next level that takes it beyond the chases and gunfights we've seen before.

As for that relationship between Basinger and Douglas' characters, I saw another opportunity squandered. You can probably figure out what happens from what I've mentioned above, but how this relationship plays out is less than gratifying or even realistic, both in its execution and its effects. The whole film could have been structured around it, and it almost fades into afterthought. The Sentinel seems like it's the first draft of a better film, one that could have been doctored on the page before it got to the screen.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Real Minutemen Wear Tricorns

The Minutemen say they're not a hate group. That may be true, but KPHO-TV's Morgan Loew shows us hate groups are still getting into the group's patrols along the Arizona-Mexico border.

It's worse than what he found last year.

"Our" Anthem?

You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't spit into the wind. You don't pull the mask off the 'ol Lone Ranger, and you don't mess around with the National Anthem... with apologies to the late Jim Croce.

You have no doubt heard -- or at least heard about -- the new rendition of the "Star-Spangled" banner in Spanish called "Nuestro Himno," or, "Our Anthem," which is intended to recognize immigrants seeking a better life in the U.S., but is perceived as the illegal immigrant anthem. Many Spanish-language radio stations are playing it. Many aren't. And many hispanics aren't happy about it. The kicker: this was all the idea of a British music executive.

We have a long list of re-interpretations and botched performances. Jimmi Hendrix's explosive electric-guitar version at Woodstock laced the anthem with an anti-war sentiment. Americans wanted to light a fire under Jose Feliciano when he put his own spin on it before a 1968 baseball game. Steven Tyler sang "home of the Indianapolis 500" instead of "home of the brave." And on a more respectful note, as KOLD News 13 pointed out, members of the Tohono O'odham tribe sang a version of the anthem at the 2004 Democratic National Convention in their language.

This new version goes even further, re-imaging the anthem for Spanish instead of translating it, and adding lyrics. Instead of "O say can you see, by the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming," we have "The day is breaking, do you see it? In the light of the dawn? What we so acclaimed at nightfall." One verse says, "Freedom, we are equal./We are brothers, in our anthem." And another version in the works goes even further.

From the AP:
A remix to be released in June contains several lines in English that condemn U.S. immigration laws. Among them: "These kids have no parents, cause all of these mean laws ... let's not start a war with all these hard workers, they can't help where they were born."
Before you hyperventilate, I remind you we still have our original National Anthem, with the original lyrics. Nobody is taking that away from us. Nobody ever will.

But when you wave dozens of Mexican flags in marches of unity, and you rewrite the lyrics to the National Anthem, this defeats the message of the immigrant-rights movement. Its leaders want you to see all immigrants as Americans. Holding on to your heritage is wonderful and worthy of celebration. But when you pledge your allegiance, when you say you want to be a citizen, it's time to hoist the American Flag and sing the Anthem without taking liberty with the lyrics. The Library of Congress has a Spanish-language translation called "La Bandera." You can still be Mexican. You can still be American. Get over the fear that when you come here to live, when you become a citizen (or even if you don't), you are somehow magically and tragically cleansed of your cultural identity. And even white-bread folks like me, who were born citizens, celebrate our heritage.

"Nuestro Himno" is not an anthem. It is a political statement masquerading as an anthem. Under the First Amendment, sing it if you wish. But don't expect to score points with it. The immigrant-rights movement doesn't need an anthem. It needs a clear message, one that says to people, "we want to be Americans, and we want to be Americans legally. We want to work and be good citizens, and we will condemn those who tarnish us by crossing into the U.S. illegally or threatening our fellow citizens with terrorism." That's a lot of words. Why not write a new anthem for it?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The NYC Diaries- Day 6: Anticlimatic

You're supposed to end with some sort of big finish -- some overwhelming experience that defies your expectations and forever alters your perspective. Sorry, wish I could help you here.

I spent this final day checking out two of New York's musuems: The Museum Of The City Of New York, and the Museum of TV & Radio. The Guggenheim was also on my list, but unfortunately, that was closed. On to the backup plan.

The City of NY museum is low profile and well worth the $10 admission price. It's a great place to learn about the history of Times Square, Broadway, and New York City lighting. They also had an exhibition of cartoons from The New Yorker, something I enjoyed immensely.

When I got to the shipping exhibit on the second floor and started looking around, a docent stepped right up to me and started unspooling every fact in her head -- every fact. She told me of the Dutch settling New York (aka New Amsterdam), then the British, then a parade of others. She pointed out everything in the room and had at least three or four factoids to go along with it. She knew much more than I would ever want to know, but kindness halted me from interrupting her.

This is why: one of these days, when I'm done with producing newscasts, I have this retirement fantasy. I see myself moving to Virginia and becoming an historical interpreter at Colonial Williamsburg. I see myself living in the past, dressed in tricorn and breeches, leading people through the Governor's Palace, or maybe the Raleigh Tavern, or the Court House, or one of the myriad historic homes. I have appreciation for people who have an overflowing love of history and enjoy sharing it.

So after this fifteen-minute presentation, I liberated myself to the next floor.

My other major stop of the day was the Radio & TV museum, after a bus ride and some hunting to find the place. I thought it was on West 57th Street. It's on 51st. When I finally did find it, I had another problem: they don't take credit cards for admission and I was low on cash.

So now I have to locate an ATM. No way am I going to pay fees, so I need something from Bank of America. The nearest machine I can find is in the concourse of the Rockefeller Center. I found a Bank of America ATM branch down there.

The cash machine took my card. And then it just plain took me... for 40 bucks.

Now in a regular bank, you can go to a teller and complain. But when there's no teller, what do you do?

A woman entered and sensed I was about to punch that ATM straight in the LCD.

"His ze cash machine nyot working?" she inquired in her Russian accent.

"Yeah, it just ripped me off."

"Hoh my Gott. Dyo you haff cyell phone?"

"No. I don't have one on me right now."

"I vas thinkink hof gyetting some money, but nyow I no do."

I found a guard who directed me to the Bank of America Branch down the street. The Customer Service rep in there directed me to the bank's toll-free number on the back of the card. They said the charge would reverse after midnight.

"The ATM knows it didn't give out money?"

"It sure does."

"What if it doesn't?"

"Then you can file a claim with us tomorrow."

For my money, that charge better well reverse.

Back at the Museum of TV and Radio, the most interesting feature is the library, where you can view classic episodes of TV you can't find on DVD, video or anywhere else. Non-members get two picks and one hour of viewing time. My pick: the infamous episode of Twenty-One where Charles Van Doren defeated Herb Stempel in a rigged game which would later become the flashpoint of the 50's quiz show scandals. This was dramatized in the movie Quiz Show, but seeing the original show is much more thrilling.

So here were are in Times Square again. Bright lights, big city. It's nearly time to go home, and I'm enjoying a last night on the town... maybe not doing anything awe-inspiring, uplifting or life-changing, but the atmosphere is everything. You won't find this in Tucson. You won't find this anywhere else.

Tomorrow, homeward bound and back to the real world.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The NYC Diaries- Day 5: Artistic Endeavors

Today's opening assignment: conquer Rockefeller Center. I took the tour that shows you around the Center, mostly the history and the artwork, which makes for interesting study if you're a fan of 30's art-deco. Because many parts take you outside, everybody in the tour group wears wireless headphones connected to a microphone on the guide, so you don't miss a word over the honking cars and idling buses. Slick. I tried to go for the NBC tour, too, but they were all booked up for the day. No matter. I've already seen CBS.

I'm making it a mission to eat in every Hard Rock cafe I can. I've been to the ones in Chicago, London, Los Angeles, St. Louis, Las Vegas, Washington D.C., Cleveland, and now, Times Square. I also had a brain lapse there and nearly left my camera bag behind. It's a tricked-up Case Logic haversack that doesn't make me look like a tourist. My feet were nearly out the door when I realized I didn't have it on and ran back for it. Whew.

The next stop: The New York Public Library. Books are not the main attraction. After studying a couple of special collections, including one on old maps of New York, I went and mooched some Internet access in the upstairs reading room. I had to apply for and get an access card, but it didn't take long, and the access was free.

Let me pause here to tell you how ridiculous the Internet access situation has been over the past few days. That first post from Saturday night cost $11 to publish, because the only Internet access I could find was in the Park Central Hotel's business center -- and that runs about 40 cents a minute. Fortunately, I found access Sunday night for 19 cents a minute. It only cost me about $5. Then I had that monster post on the CBS visit the next night which cost $15! Ouch. I can get 10 minutes of free time in the Yahoo! booth at the Times Square Information Center, but that's not going to cut it for the way I blog. To save time and money, I have been writing out these blog posts longhand and then typing them like mad whenever I can get access for reasonable money. I tried to make another post in the library but the connection went bad during the process and I lost it all. I'm not trying that again. Tonight, I'm typing this in from an Internet cafe on 42nd street which gives you four hours of access for five bucks.

After the library, I rode the subway up to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and even though I had only about an hour and half to work with, I saw what I wanted.

One of the star exhibits there right now focuses on ancient Egyptian art. You'll see, among other things, a complete stone temple that has been carefully rebuilt inside the museum.

Go ahead, walk inside it. What's amazing is you can see early 1900's graffiti inside there!

In other rooms, you'll also see all sorts of jewelry, weapons, body armor, figures of gods, burial cloths and even a few toys. Remember the "Hounds and Jackals" game played during a scene in The Ten Commandments? That's based on an actual game, and you can see it here.

Good knight! One room features armor from Dark Age warriors and their horses.


Now, let's go up the way to the American Art sections. Get a map, whatever you do, because the entire museum is a maze.

My patriot persona is kicking in again. I counted at least three different paintings of George Washington, including the famous one of him crossing the Delaware. Unusually enough, you can take pictures of the paintings in these rooms. I didn't. That's right, I didn't. Some things need to be appreciated with the naked eye and not the camera lens.

I can't tell you anything about classical artwork to save my life. But walk up to some the paintings and you'll wonder how anybody could make something of oil and canvas look like Kodachrome. It staggers my mind. Great art is great art for a reason, and you don't need to be an art critic to figure that out. When I was in grade school in Kansas City all those years ago, the "Picture Lady" used to come around once a month. She'd show us a giant color copy of a classical painting and she'd talk about who painted it, where the real one was hanging, and what the artist was trying to say. We would see three paintings and then vote on which one we'd like to keep in our classroom for a week or so.

While I marvelled at the European artwork, the Dance of the Guards began. This end of day ritual is what we used to call a "soft close" when I worked at Six Flags Over Mid-America. The idea is not to announce, "The museum is closing in five minutes." Instead, the guards start directing people away from the outer edges of the Met, letting you browse but pushing you towards the door with the finesse of a prima ballerina. So even though closing time is 5:15, you may not be out the door until well after 5:30.

Central Park is right across the street. It's time for a walk. My feet really don't need any more walking with my Dr. Scholl's gel inserts wearing out. But I can't resist this. Everybody's jogging past me, wearing iPods and sweating it out. People walk dogs everywhere, often two at a time. You can actually make decent money as a dog walker, I hear. It's probably not enough to live on in New York, but it's money.

The movie shoot in Times Square continues tonight. Part of Times Square is blocked off again. That's squeezing pedestrian traffic outside the Giant Toys 'R' Us. One thing this town does not need is more congestion. But we'll tolerate it. Los Angeles tolerates it. Tucson tolerates it too -- even though we say we don't.