Tuesday, April 1, 2014

A Modestly Hateful Proposal

I have an idea for a new magazine. Yes, a magazine. Yes, even though Newsweek stopped publishing on paper only to start again. This will be a magazine like the world has never seen, but it will follow the grand tradition of great magazines with one-word titles: Time, Life, People, Money, Fortune. Now, I bring you the next great thing: Hate.

Hate magazine will tap that great untapped demographic: hateful people. Oh sure, Facebook and blogs and so much of the Internet serve this segment so well. But the time has come for a high-quality publication catering to this audience and their unique sophistication.

Hate will feature the highest quality of hateful articles, presenting hate in a crisp, unfiltered perspective. We will give no column inches to snark, mild dislike or debate. Hate will feature hate, and thus we will be brand-focused. Every month, you'll pick up a copy and read about the people, places and things we hate and why we hate them. We will track the pulse of hate, examining its ebb and flow. We'll profile haters and their favorite hates. Guest columns will let those who hate offer their hateful opinions. Of course, we'll publish letters to the editor in a regular department titled -- what else -- "Hate Mail." I'd tell you about a few of our debut issue's articles, but I hate teasing you.

Our Hate website will stay on top of fast-breaking hate and follow it to its hateful ends. You'll be able to hate with other haters as you read our hateful updates and respond with hateful comments, which you can hate with your replies in real-time.

We'll leverage our growing brand strength into television. Hate will easily find a spot on the dial, with hateful programs running around the clock, including our flagship "HateCenter."  We're hating when you are. And just maybe we'll find a spot on the radio, if we can find a niche that hasn't already been taken up by other haters. We hate getting squeezed out.

We'll sell millions of copies. We'll draw millions of viewers. We'll make millions of dollars. This won't come without competition, since haters tend to multiply. But our standards of hate will out-hate the wanna-bes, proving that we are often imitated but never equaled. Hate will become the most respected and honored brand name in the hateful world, just as ESPN is to sports and Rolls-Royce is to automobiles.

Hate will be more than a magazine. It will become a phenomenon, and in so doing, it will become an economic force. Hate will create wealth, which will create jobs and help propel our economy out of its current rut. Each new hateful position will create at least two others in turn, meaning even those who aren't hateful will benefit from trickle-down hate.

Hate and its hateful effects will confound the experts with its sheer power. But mostly, they'll hate themselves for not thinking of it first. It will have theorists and analysts hating that they can't comprehend its endless supply. Hate will transform economies like no other force.

In the end, Hate will impact our thoughts, our lives, our societies and our leaders. Hate will succeed where they have failed or fallen short. Through Hate, we will become a world bonded on hate, not divided by politics, religion, nationality, or anything else. And when we look back on the days before Hate, we will wonder how we survived before we hated so efficiently or so well.