AND THE WORD WAS... Roman Catholic bishops have approved a new English translation of Mass aimed at coming closer to the Latin version. What this means for you, faithful parisoner, is some subtle changes in the standard refrains:
OLD -- "The Lord be with you" / "And also with you"
NEW -- "The Lord be with you" / "And with your spirit."
Before Communion:
OLD -- "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you."
NEW -- "Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof."
(Besides, it leaks.)
And my favorite change, according to the AP:
"The Act of Penitence, in which parishioners now confess aloud that they have sinned "through my own fault" would include the lines "through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault."I'm waiting for the refrain of "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" from Wayne's World.
Disclaimer: I'm not Catholic, nor do I attempt to be. But I do remember crossing myself the other night after I accidentally ran over that bunny darting across the road in front of the Wal-Mart.
STILL BILL. Microsoft founder, bazillionarie, humanitarian, nerd genius and secret lord of the universe Bill Gates is easing out of his day job at Microsoft so he can spend more time on his stunningly solvent $29 billion Bill & Melinda Gates foundation.
However, this will take two years, and Gates keeps his title of Chairman of the Board. He also will continue to make key decisions. And let us not forget Gates has already stepped down as CEO.
So The Lightning Round is now taking bets on if any, all or none of the following events will happen BEFORE Bill completes his transition to... uh... whatever.
1) Microsoft Windows Vista ships
2) Microsoft Windows Vista is fully debugged
3) Google Buys Microsoft, immediately changing Google's credo from "Do No Evil" to "Dude, We Own It All!"
4) Bill sells Microsoft On eBay to finance upstart company in Uganda
5) Bill converts his Seattle-area mansion into shelter for those who escape The Matrix
6) Donald Trump buys Microsoft, hosts new show: "The Geek"
BATON DEATH MARCH. Organizers of a Fourth Of July parade in Redwood City, California have banned a team of baton-twirling children because they move too slow.
From AP:
Parade organizers say the Redwood City Twirlers have held up the parade the past five years and created a three-minute gap last year that prompted spectators to leave, thinking the show was over.Before you start writing hate mail, please note that the twirlers will perform at a parade in Corte Madera -- one hour away.
So let freedom ring, but quick now... we've got cookouts.
I SEE LONDON, I SEE FRANCE... Administrators at Phillipsburg High School in New Jersey, sensing a Janet Jackson moment, hastily ripped out page 224 of the 2006 yearbook when they spotted a picture of a student sitting at a desk which appeared to reveal a bit of her underwear. The page will be replaced with a stick-on substitute.
I recall a similar incident in my hometown school district in the 1980s. During an elementary class photo, one of my brother's girl friends sat in the front row wearing a high-cut skirt. We don't know if the cameraman was a sicko or simply forgot to have her strategically adjust her legs, but the lens revealed a distinctive floral pattern between her loins.
"I'm gonna sue that photographer!" she cried, after the picture went to the printers unretouched and into the hands of every parent in the class.
I GOT YOU COVERED, BABE. Cher went to Washington to attend a congressional subcommittee meeting on the safety of soldiers' helmets. She did not speak, but obviously impressed congressmen.
According to AP, "committee chairman Curt Weldon, R-Pa., said that Cher has given "well over $100,000" to the cause."
We note the irony of Cher's interest in seeing soldiers well armored when she was so scantily clad in the video for "If I Could Turn Back Time," filmed on board a Navy vessel with scores of hooting sailors behind her.
TREE HUGGERS. The silly saga of L.A's South Central Urban Farm entered the next chapter this week when police moved in to move out protestors who don't want the new owner to turn it into a warehouse. The ordeal has attracted celebrites to perch in a tree, including Joan Baez and Daryl Hannah.
The owner of the land, Ralph Horowitz, says he's not selling despite a belated $16 million offer. According to the L.A. Times, it's "partly because of anti-Semitic remarks allegedly made about him by people linked to [the protestors'] cause."
Horowitz told the paper: "If they want to stand on the corner for the next five years, chanting slogans like they did in front of my house, they're welcome to. But it hasn't worked."
So lefties, you've done it to yourself again. Instead of chanting and chaining yourselves to anything on the farm and recruiting Hollywood sympathizers, why didn't you just go quietly raise more money when you were outbid for the land?
Now all hope is on your hero, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, to save you from the idiots in your ranks.
From the Times:
"We're still hopeful that the mayor can step in and close this deal, even if it's with hurt feelings," said environmental activist John Quigley...And Mayor Tony, I would get reacquainted with the Serenity Prayer, for your patience will likely suffer more tests than an Arizona high school senior.
But life is a test, is it not? Otherwise you wouldn't be surrounded by these folks...
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