Friday, October 31, 2008

Our Absolutely Unqualified, Highly Conditional Election Predictions

Nobody shells out money for us to be pundits, so you get what you pay for. In that spirit, here's your no-risk, no-guarantee, absolutely bipartisan nonpartisan gaze into the crystal ball from our staff and the two guys hanging out by the Dr. Pepper machine.

* If Barack Obama wins, expect disillusioned GOP'ers to talk about moving to Canada. Sarah Palin becomes the party's Bette Malone.

* If John McCain wins, expect disillusioned Democrats to talk about moving to Canada -- and actually do it this time until they remember quitters never win.

* If Obama wins, people will wake up Wednesday morning swearing the sun is brighter, the grass is greener, and the earth's magnetic field is more harmonious.

* If McCain wins, people will wake up Wednesday morning and many mornings after saying, "is Johnny Mac feeling alright?"

* If Obama wins, southern Arizona Congressman Raul Grijalva will go into work each morning with fresh self-confidence, now that the bills he authors actually have a shot at making it into law.

* If McCain wins, Arizona's Democratic delegation will be saying once again: "Bipartisanship. Ick."

* If Obama wins, Republicans will exploit rumors of election fraud.

* If McCain wins, Democrats will exploit rumors of election fraud.

* If Obama wins, Sen. Hillary Clinton will begin forming exploratory committees for 2016.

* If McCain wins, Obama will be getting a 3am phone call from Sen. Clinton. Several of them, in fact. Federal law prevents us from wiretapping, but we imagine the conversation will include the words, "Shoulda picked me, you lout!"

* If Obama wins, Big Oil will start hiding profits in the Cayman Islands to avoid a potential windfall tax.

* If McCain wins, Big Oil will hide money in Sarah Palin's closet.

* If Democrats achieve a 60-seat filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, expect Nancy Pelosi to sing "Nanny-Nanny Boo Boo."

* If Alaska Republican Ted Stevens holds onto his seat, expect pundits to speculate about brain freeze.

* If Al Franken wins in Minnesota, expect nobody to be surprised anymore in the state that elected Jesse Ventura as governor.

* If Obama makes it to the White House, expect Dick Cheney's man-sized document safes to disappear. Mysteriously.

* If McCain takes over the Oval Office, expect portable defibrillators to be installed in every hallway.

* If Sen. Joe Biden wins the number-two office, Secret Service chemists will develop a special "gaffe-away" spray.

* If Gov. Sarah Palin is the victor, Tina Fey will work undercover as a body double.

* If Barack Obama wins, Rush Limbaugh will gripe for the next 8 years about the nation's liberal tilt while secretly thanking the senator for giving him job security.

* If John McCain wins, El Rushbo will chortle about liberals being on suicide watch.

* If Obama wins, Hollywood leftists will say, "Okay, now what?"

* If McCain wins, they'll say, "Well, Obama was too hype for the job, anyway."

That's it. Now go vote and prove us wrong.

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