Playing Both Sides

Round one of the super-heavyweight fight known as the presidential race is over and scored. Amidst the politically charged headlines from Iowa this week, somebody got their polarity reversed. But it's what your Lightning Round editors have come to expect during campaign season, when partisan ethics is an oxymoron.

NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON'T. GOP presidential contender Mike Huckabee took the peculiar step of declaring he would run a positive campaign and then showing the negative ad he wasn't going to run.

From The Hill:

When asked if it is hypocritical to make an announcement about not running negative ads, and then show a negative advertisement to dozens of members of the national and local media, Huckabee said he had to show the ad to prove its existence.

“I want to show you that we were fully prepared,” Huckabee said.

Yeah, like nobody would ever believe a gentleman like Mike Huckabee was capable of putting together a mean, nasty, hateful campaign ad, now?

Huckabee said the ad cost about $30,000 to make, and the original purpose of the press conference was to introduce the spot to the media.

But the former governor said he had a change of heart shortly before the media assembled. Easels outlining the attacks on Romney were still standing in the room, and Huckabee stood in front of a banner that read “Enough is Enough.”

“It’s never too late to do the right thing,” he said.

It's never too late to make up a cover story, either. Your Lightning Round editors praise Huckabee for figuring out how to get ad time without paying for it -- show an incendiary commercial to the press and let them lap it up like dogs. However, the twisted logic behind this political stunt smacks of somebody who's figured out how to live on both sides of the issue... sorta like Hillary.

On caucus night, Iowans didn't turn him off. Huckabee invoked the spirit of the founding patriots after his win, saying "it's not about me; it's about we." He meant "we" as in "we the people," not "we" as "we are gonna stomp Mitt Romney's Mormon butt in New Hampshire."

He also said, "I wish it was all over tonight, and we could celebrate." Envisioning the wild and woolly campaign season yet to come, "we" can't blame him.

HE'S A GONER. Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut quit the race as the last of the Iowa Caucus results trickled in. He did indescribably bad, as CNN's Wolf Blitzer phrased it, saying Dodd came in a "distant distant... place."

The Wolfman also referred to Barack Obama as a "young man in his mid-forties." Huzzah -- that makes your Lightning Round editor a kid again!

WHAT ABOUT RON? Republican un-candidate Ron Paul finished Iowa with a respectable 10 percent, behind Fred Thompson.

Of course, his supporters claim the networks are underreporting and underestimating his support. Paul vows to continue. We would too if we finished ahead of Rudy Guiliani.

STAND BY ME. The eventual nominee will eventually have to pick a running mate, but a wingman will do for now. During the post-caucus speeches, Hillary Clinton had Bill and Chelsea at her side along with former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Mike Huckabee had Chuck Norris, who easily doubled as his bodyguard. John Edwards had his wife. Barack Obama stood solo; hope was his companion.

THREE BOTTLE MINIMUM. Running from the political arena and into the nearest club now, Gregory Barnard is suing the trendy Times Square nightclub Arena for $2 million after a booze beatdown. Bouncers roughed him up for buying only one $350 bottle of vodka. Why? Because he didn't buy two more as the club requires.

The New York Post lays things out:

A bouncer threw him to the floor and held him down while two other bouncers punched and kicked him, he said.

They then picked Barnard up and walked him two blocks to an ATM for more money, but the bank had frozen his card because the waitress had already charged $1,400 on it, swiping the card at least nine times, he said.

He said the bouncers dragged him back to the bar, where he waited until police arrived and arrested him for theft of services.

The charges were dismissed.

All for $700 in spirits he and his friends didn't want and never drank. For you non-clubbing types -- including your Lightning Round editor -- Mr. Barnard ordered "bottle service," defined as paying a ghastly amount of money for not only the alcohol, but also glasses, mixers and a dedicated server whom you hope has a shapely figure. We can safely conclude no tip was left this evening.

As for that three-bottle minimum, hasn't anybody at Arena ever heard of public intoxication? Or DUI?