Iran, Iran So Far Away

From the reception Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad garnered this week, Darth Vader must have breezed into town. But our analysis reveals Ahmadinejad is this gene-pool milkshake of Borat, Yakov Smirnoff, Saddam Hussein and Victor Newman from The Young And The Restless.

MAHMOUD'S MOUTH. Mr. Iranian President put on quite a show at Columbia University, where he revealed his country is gay-free.

From Reuters:

"In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country," Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said at Columbia University on Monday in response to a question about the recent execution of two gay men there.

"In Iran we do not have this phenomenon," he continued. "I do not know who has told you we have it."

Our crack Lightning Round correspondent noted these additional words from Ahmadinejad: "We do not have relations with those people -- homosexuals. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time, never."

LOST IN TRANSLATION. People are still arguing over whether Ahmadinejad actually said Israel "should be wiped off the map." It comes down to the problems of translating Persian.

From The New York Times:

"Ahmadinejad did not say he was going to wipe Israel off the map because no such idiom exists in Persian," remarked Juan Cole, a Middle East specialist at the University of Michigan and critic of American policy who has argued that the Iranian president was misquoted. "He did say he hoped its regime, i.e., a Jewish-Zionist state occupying Jerusalem, would collapse." Since Iran has not "attacked another country aggressively for over a century," he said in an e-mail exchange, "I smell the whiff of war propaganda."

On the other hand...

But translators in Tehran who work for the president's office and the foreign ministry disagree with [those who say he has been misquoted]. All official translations of Mr. Ahmadinejad's statement, including a description of it on his Web site (www.president.ir/eng/), refer to wiping Israel away. Sohrab Mahdavi, one of Iran's most prominent translators, and Siamak Namazi, managing director of a Tehran consulting firm, who is bilingual, both say "wipe off" or "wipe away" is more accurate than "vanish" because the Persian verb is active and transitive.

That should settle the argument. But our expert translators at The Lightning Round international bureau point out we can't even spell Moammar Kadafi's last name right (Quddafi? Kadafy? Gaddafi?). So they've offered some other possible translations for that problematic Persian phrase:

* "I-10 in Tucson is a trap."
* "I wave my arms and clap!"
* "If I am a tree, I'm a sap."

ABU DHABIWOOD. We may be infidels, but the Arab nations eat up our films. Warner Brothers will spend billions to develop an entertainment center in Abu Dhabi, including a theme park. Money will also flow into Arabic movies, TV shows and video games. In return, Abu Dhabi will help finance production of WB films.

From the Financial Times:

Most of Hollywood’s ticket sales are now generated outside the US. In an effort to develop foreign markets, Warner and other studios are investing in local productions in China, Russia, India and elsewhere.

“We’re anxious not just to be exporters of American films, but to be partners and support local films,” said Barry Meyer, Warner’s chief executive.

And it sure beats having to work with the UN.

GOING NATIVE. Nike unveiled the first-ever shoe designed especially for Native Americans. The Air Native N7 is only available to tribes.

From the AP:

Nike designers and researchers looked at the feet of more than 200 people from more than 70 tribes nationwide and found that in general, American Indians have a much wider and taller foot than the average shoe accommodates. The average shoe width of men and women measured was three width sizes larger than the standard Nike shoe.

As a result, the Air Native is wider with a larger toe box. The shoe has fewer seams for irritation and a thicker sock liner for comfort.

I'm a Native Missourian. Does that count?

THE MILK CHOCOLATE MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH, BLOWS UP IN YOUR HAND. British spy agency MI5 tells us about a grenade disguised as a chocolate bar.

From their website:

It's made of steel with a thin covering of real chocolate. When the piece of chocolate at the end is broken, a strip of canvas is pulled out. After seven seconds the bomb explodes.

You wonder how many oompa-loompas died perfecting this one.