Down And Out On Capitol Hill

The immigration overhaul bill is once again dead, deceased, disintegrated. Watching the progress of this measure conjured the surrealistic vision of an operating room where two doctors stand over a patient -- one with the defibrillator paddles, the other with the IV drip of potassium chloride -- each taking turns killing and reviving and killing again.

EPIPHANY. Arizona Senator Jon Kyl is among the grumbling reformers sifting through the wreckage:

"I've learned one main lesson out of this enterprise... A lot of Americans have lost faith in their government, they don't think we can control our borders, that we can win a war, that we can issue passports, that we can solve other problems and so they ask the question why should we grant a special status to people who came here illegally until we know that you're going to get serious about enforcing this new law?"

Finally, Kyl catches up to his electorate. But your Lightning Round reminds you of this: for conservatives, anything short of the Great Wall of China along the border qualifies as lax security.

We have an AP-estimated 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. We cannot deport them all. It's theoretically possible, but so is cold fusion. Perhaps we put them work building that Great Wall instead. Shame them into deporting themselves. Nothing says vamonos like watching yourself bricking up the gateway to freedom.

COLD TO THE TOUCH. The worst of us are setting the agenda for the best of us, and it's downright disappointing. Last week, we examined the no-touching rule at a Virginia school. Now we're hearing about a suspicious-touching campaign.

From the Virginian-Pilot of Hampton Roads:

The "Stop It Now " campaign - just launched locally - will urge people to call a help line if they see an adult whom they suspect of having a sexual relationship with a child.

Billboards and posters show an adult hand holding a child's hand, with the words: "It doesn't feel right when I see them together."

A national help line number is listed, and through it callers can get advice about what to do.

We don't dispute the need to root out molesters. But your Lightning Round doesn't feel right about tattling on what could very well be harmless expressions of love and friendship between family members.

Groups that have formed to help people falsely accused of abuse are opposed to the campaign. Dean Tong, who operates a Web site that offers help to people who are falsely accused of abuse, said the campaign has the potential to tarnish the reputation of innocent people and hurt children.

"For every case of genuine abuse, there are two or three that are unfounded witch hunts," said Tong, a Florida forensic consultant who has written books on the topic of false accusations.

Our research here is unable to pin down a standard, reliable figure on the number of false allegations -- all the more reason to let the facts be our guide, rather than just gut instincts and media-shaped paranoia.

Now that doesn't feel right, either.

CALL HIM DANIEL. Kevin Richardson, animal behaviorist, will lie down with lions... and tigers... and probably bears, too, smothering them with kindness and respect -- and living to talk about it to the London Daily Mail.

The paper has the you-can't-be-serious photo spread and this revelation:

A former student of human physiology who once worked with pre and post-operative human patients, Kevin turned to animals ten years ago when he came to the conclusion that he could trust a lion over one of his own kind every time - well, nearly every time.

A close encounter with an aggressive four-year-old male in the early days taught him a lesson he has not forgotten. The animal pinned him to the ground and started biting him until something about Kevin's passive attitude stopped him in his tracks.

Or maybe he just didn't taste good.

DOWN AND DIRTY. A researcher claims composting using worms may doing more harm to the environment than SUV's.

Materials Recycling Week reports comments from British Composting Association research director Jim Frederickson:

“The emissions that come from these worms can actually be 290 times more potent than carbon dioxide and 20 times more potent than methane. In all environmental systems you get good points and bad points.”

Said one commenter to this story on the MRW website: "Maybe the worms will stop if the Democrats promise them amnesty and the right to vote."

CLEANING CASA. Mexico purged nearly 300 of its top federal cops because of corruption, replacing them with officers that have passed anti-dirty-cop measures.

The secretary of public security spoke to the Houston Chronicle:

[Genaro] Garcia Luna said that some of the dismissed commanders might someday return to supervisory roles if they complete new training courses and prove themselves free of corruption.

We wonder what proof Mexico will ask for. Cross your heart and hope to die?

DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS PLANE AROUND! A Delta commuter flight had to land because a young child threw a temper tantrum.

From NBC10, Philadelphia:

A 4-year-old wanted apple juice and when the stewardess didn't get it quick enough, the child threw a tantrum, NBC 10 reported.

Your Lightning Round has since learned the real reason: it wasn't 100 percent juice.

NOT NOW, HONEY, I HAVE A HEADACHE. Michael Eugene Moylan of Port St. Lucie, Florida walked into a hospital with a mysterious pain in his head. Doctors soon found he had been shot. Authorities soon found his wife had done it... while he was sleeping. The bullet lodged in his head.

From the AP:

Moylan, 45, woke up at 4:30 a.m. and thought he had suffered an aneurysm or that his wife had elbowed him in his sleep, authorities said.
...
"How can this guy be shot, not know that he was shot in bed and then walk into a hospital room. It was just amazing to all of us," [Sheriff Ken] Mascara said.

He's a loving husband, we gather. His wife April claims it was an accident. Nevertheless, she's facing a charge of attempted murder. No doubt about it, this will lead to a "trial" separation.

Cue the rim shot.