Republicans, we gotta talk. Not to all of you, but to certain select bunches of you. Uh, then again, everybody needs to stay in the room.
Here's the deal: one of your goals -- at least I think it's one -- is the so-called Big Tent. By that, I gather you mean inclusion of a broad swath of America. You need voters. You need population. But I'm just wondering about some of these people in there right now. I think you're familiar with them. One is called the Birthers, and for lack of a better term, I'll call the other group the Shouters.
Wait, don't start getting up now. You need to hear this. As a party, you have a legitimate shot at taking back a lump of seats in 2010. President Obama's running up the deficit, and his health care plan is riddled with spending. You have a strong plank to run on: curbing government's runaway expenditures. So pray tell, why are you letting your party be defined by the two aforementioned bunches?
Yes, they're defining you, whether you want them to or not. Every time CNN runs a Birther conspiracy story or people see a report on protesters shouting down a congressman at some town-hall meeting, they're defining you. Kinda makes it hard to stay on message, not to mention the lousy PR. If you don't get this under control, you can just kiss those seats goodbye.
We know you don't like Nancy Pelosi. You don't have to. You don't have to like what she says about health care. But when she says "drowning out opposing views in simply un-American," she's talking about the First Amendment. You still believe in that, don't you? I mean, not just for free-market Conservatives? Last time I looked, there wasn't any asterisk next to that clause. Lemme ask you something: if the parties in this debate were reversed, wouldn't Pelosi's words be in your mouths? Aw come on, admit it. We all know the game.
I guess common civility is too much to ask anymore, since the bar for political rhetoric has been falling for years. Historically, it has never been very high when it comes to our political passions. But some of you folks are playing limbo here, seeing how low you can go to win. If I remember correctly, there comes a point in limbo where the bar is so low that nobody can win. Not you, not your opponents, not the government, not the people, not democracy. Nobody.
Huh? This isn't limbo? You're right, it isn't. This isn't a game. This is a nation of law and order, rights coupled with responsibilities. And if we don't remember the responsibilities, I'll let you guess what happens to the rights. Our government tried at least once before to stifle free speech. Any of you in here remember the Sedition Act? Certainly you've heard of the Fairness Doctrine. I know you don't want either of 'em.
So let me tell you what needs to happen here--
What? Something about a bus? Oh. Well, I'll be honest, that would help. Maybe that tent is a little too big, but I thought you wanted that big tent. Maybe medium is more your size.
Anyway, I think you know what you need to do. I'm not going to tell you. After all, I am an independent. I'd say, "Take me to your leader," but I'm not really sure who it is. Any of you in here know?
Over there. I heard that about "the media." Pass that card up here so I can see it. Good grief. How many times have you played this? Look at all these bends and dog-ears. I wouldn't use this for Old Maid, let alone poker. Time to get a new deck, my friend.
As for those Birthers -- just a thought. You thought it was nuts when people said it about John McCain, didn't ya?
'Nuff said. Be seeing you. I'll close the flaps behind me.
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