SUPPOSE THEY HELD A WAR... President Bush is having trouble finding a "czar" to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
From the Washington Post:
At least three retired four-star generals approached by the White House in recent weeks have declined to be considered for the position, the sources said, underscoring the administration's difficulty in enlisting its top recruits to join the team after five years of warfare that have taxed the United States and its military.Has Bush tried listing the job on monster.com? Our advisers in the Lightning Round classified department came up with this sample listing, submitted for the chief's approval.
"The very fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going," said retired Marine Gen. John J. "Jack" Sheehan, a former top NATO commander who was among those rejecting the job. Sheehan said he believes that Vice President Cheney and his hawkish allies remain more powerful within the administration than pragmatists looking for a way out of Iraq. "So rather than go over there, develop an ulcer and eventually leave, I said, 'No, thanks,' " he said.
|JOB OPENING: High-level executive to manage open-ended stabilization projects in our overseas divisions. The ideal candidate will have excellent command and conquer abilities, flexibility and creative problem-solving skills, yet still be a team player. If you're not with us, you're against us! Fax your resume and kevlar requirements to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C. The Office of the Executive is an Equal Opportunity Employer (except for liberals and peace pansies).|
A PLACE WHERE YOU'RE WANTED. Pennsylvania has 1.4 million unserved warrants, including at least 100 for homicide, according to a new computer system and an audit by the Associated Press.
The AP article doesn't mention how much time Pennsylvania authorities spend trying to serve these warrants, but some of the wanted are busted while they're paying fines for other offenses:
The Armstrong County clerk of courts, Brenda George, said she has learned not to overreact when someone paying a fine at her counter triggers the computer system's yellow "WO" alert, indicating a warrant is pending. She quietly summons a deputy.Your Lightning Round wonders what would happen if we linked the system with grocery store and quick-mart cash registers. Paper, plastic, or handcuffs? Hey, wait, don't run off! Now we've got another problem -- shoplifting.
"We've had some circumstances where we've said 'Hold on, you have a warrant, we need to get the sheriff,' and they've run down the hall," she said.
WALKING THE LINE. Arizona's governor just made it legal to cross the street. Truth be told, she closed a legal loophole regarding internationally-flavored crossing lights, the ones with the blue man and the red hand. Some enterprising jaywalkers in Phoenix were getting tickets dismissed because nothing in the books said a red hand meant "don't walk."
Now if we can just get Tucson drivers to understand a red light means stop.
WHEN YOU GOTTA GO. Two airliners circled for 18 minutes above Manchester, New Hampshire airport because the only person in the control tower needed to make a waste dump. A plane carrying human lungs for a transplant also waited on the runway.
"There should never be one person in the tower, because it's not safe," said Doug Church, spokesman for the National Air Traffic Controllers Association. "It's just added proof that the system is stretched to its limits, and these are the type of things that are happening."The FAA says the controller acted professionally, waiting for a lull in airport traffic before relieving himself. But what about installing a port-a-privy in the tower?
TEN STUPID THINGS PEOPLE DO TO MESS UP THEIR GRAMMAR. Our staff of rewrite editors, chained to their Webster's, Roget's and Strunk and White's like Marley's ghost, recommended this helpful guide to help people rectify homophone problems. Teaching your teenager to start using real words again instead of text-message English -- that may take immersion therapy.